


Drowning

by Phantastic_Whovian



Series: Drowning [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: And angsty, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jamilton - Freeform, M/M, SO MUCH Bed Sharing, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, i love bed sharing tropes ok, i love jamilton so much, lots of jamilton, really angsty, very dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-09-16 14:12:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 26,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9275630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phantastic_Whovian/pseuds/Phantastic_Whovian
Summary: It’s strange. It’s like being in a pool, or an ocean. Sometimes you’re underwater, numb, and floaty, and peaceful. But not  breathing, barely living.And sometimes it is like drowning, fighting tooth and nail, clawing your way back to air. Struggling to breathe, struggling to keep the waters from claiming you forever.It is a choice between drowning and dying of thirst.





	1. Raise a glass

**Author's Note:**

> So this is going to be very angsty  
> Trigger warning for mentioned self harm and a suicide attempt.  
> (This will be a multi-chaptered work, so please stick with me)

_legacy_

_what is a legacy_

_no legacy_

_Useless._

_Useless fuckup._

_nogoodnogoodnogood._

Alex took another swig of his bottle.

_Couldn’t seem to die._

_God why can’t I die_

 

He glanced at the papers on his desk. Useless, illegible. Just his messy, drunk scrawl, covering the paper in dark, angry letters.

 

_I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory…_

 

He smiled humorlessly, and took another sip.

 

_Raise a glass to freedom…_

 

Everything he’d worked for, he’d lost. Every time he loved someone, they left.

 

_We were sick_

_Raise a glass to freedom_

_we were sick and she was holding me_

_rise up_

_I hope that you burn…._

_Rise up_

_RISEUPRISEUPRISEUP_

 

He was tired.

 

So fucking tired.

 

He took another swig.

 

Just then, there was a ringing sound throughout his house. He smoothed his hair back, stood up.

 

Took another swig.

 

He found himself at the door, and opened it.

 

“My _god._ ”

 

“What are you doing here.” Hamilton asked, too tired to be angry.

 

“Well, I was hoping I’d find you in better shape than this.” Jefferson replied.

 

~^~

 

Thomas hesitated at the door. It was true, he and Hamilton weren’t exactly friends, but…he was worried, damnit. He was used to Hamilton barely sleeping. He was used to him barely eating.

_Hamilton was an unstoppable force of nature, seemingly only running on some primal form of rage_

But lately, the past couple days, Hamilton had been…quiet. He’d done whatever Washington asked, he hadn’t gone on a single rant, and he hadn’t disagreed or argued with Thomas once, even when he’d been deliberately trying to piss him off.

_For all his opinions, and his tenacity, he was always filled with passion, fire, determination. He glowed with it._

 

Thomas rang the doorbell.

He had to stop himself from gasping when Alex came to the door.

He was pale, sickly pale, like a ghost. Like a corpse you’d see in a morgue. His soft hair was rumpled and frizzed around his head, only emphasizing how thin his face had become. It was long, and drawn, cheeks hollowed and cheekbones sticking out like razor blades.

And his eyes…

His eyes usually overflowed with whatever he was feeling. Happiness, sadness, it showed.

_It was infectious, the way his mood overtook everyone else’s. If he was happy, then so was everyone else. With that much enthusiasm, it was impossible not to be drawn in, not to feel what he felt._

But tonight his eyes looked empty, dull.

“My _god_.” He said, before he could stop himself. He expected a glare, an argument, maybe even a full on shouting match.

But nothing.

Hamilton looked at him with his weary, dull expression.

“What are you doing here.”

_Later Jefferson will remember how he phrased it-not as a question, as a statement. As if he didn’t really care._

“Well, I was hoping I’d find you in better shape than this.” It’s not a lie. He hates Hamilton, but he wouldn’t wish this on his own enemy-which Hamilton just so happens to be.

Possibly.

Maybe if he wasn’t so damn worried, instead of hating him properly.

“Fuck off.” But there’s no anger, no heat. He sounds resigned, apathetic. Hamilton goes to close the door, but Jefferson blocks it with his hand.

“Are you ok?” He asks, trying not to sound too genuinely concerned. Hamilton sighs, and opens the door a little. Jefferson moves his hand.

And that’s when Hamilton slams the door in his face.

“Asshole.” Jefferson mutters. He looks at the door one last time, then walks away.

_Later, he regrets that. He should’ve begged. Should’ve pleaded. Should’ve forced him to open the door, taken the alcohol with him. Should’ve actually made sure he was alright. But he didn’t._

 

_He didn’t._

 

The heart monitor next to Hamilton’s bed beeps steadily. The man himself is passed out, being kept alive by machines.

 

Half a bottle. Half a bottle of sleeping pills he took.

 

The thin hospital gown has no sleeves. Thomas can see Hamilton’s pale, thin, scar crossed arms clearly, and hates himself all the more for it.

_He prays to every god he doesn’t believe in for Hamilton to be all right._

Hamilton’s eyelashes flutter, and Thomas’s heart leaps. Alexander’s deep brown eyes open slowly, meet Jefferson’s.

And then his heart monitor starts going crazy.

“No.” Hamilton gasps. “No. This-This isn’t-I wasn’t-This wasn’t supposed-“ He can’t quite breathe to finish a sentence, so panicked and hyperventilating. The nurses rush in to sedate him, leaving Jefferson standing to one side, useless.

 

**_I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory…Never have I felt that sentiment as strongly as now._ **

**_Perhaps it is my time. Perhaps it is the universe reaching out to me, calling me._ **

**_It’s strange. It’s like being in a pool, or an ocean. Sometimes you’re underwater, numb, and floaty, and peaceful. But notbreathing, barely living._ **

**_And sometimes it is like drowning, fighting tooth and nail, clawing your way back to air. Struggling to breathe, struggling to keep the waters from claiming you forever._ **

**_It is a choice between drowning and dying of thirst._ **


	2. Visiting hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is sad and he needs a hug. Angelica scares everyone (but only because she cares)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this entire chapter on my phone because i was out, so please tell me if there are any mistakes. Its a bit shorter than I'd like, but it should be picking up soon. Enjoy!  
> (Also I love comments so please if you have a moment give me some feedback! And thanks to thespamisnonstop and multilefaiye for your kind comments last chapter! And of course everyone who gave me kudos, but there are too many of you to name! I love you all!)

It was a whole day before he woke up. He opened his eyes, and groaned.

“A hospital. Why am I in a hospital again.”

“You _asshole._ ” Jefferson said, trying to hide how relieved he was. “God, you scared me.” Hamilton sighed.

“Oh, great. Stuck in a hospital with _Thomas Jefferson_ of all people.

“You tried to _kill_ yourself, Alexander.”

“Yes. I know.”

“Why?” Jefferson’s voice was angry, frustrated. “You have-”

“Yeah. Go ahead. Tell me how young I am. How much I have to live for. How upset everyone will be if I die, how much everyone _cares_ . Are you going to use my ex wife as an example? My sister in law who hates me now? My dead best friend? Oh, and maybe you’re going to tell me how John wouldn't want this, or my mother wouldn't want this. But they're dead, aren't they? So who knows what they want?” Hamilton was breathing heavily. “You know _nothing._ So don’t even pretend to understand.” He glared at him. Thomas sat down on the side of his bed.

“Then tell me.” The anger drained from Alexander’s face, to be replaced by confusion.

“What?”

“Well, if you won’t talk to your doctors, and you won't talk to your therapist, then...talk to me.”

“No. No way in hell.” Jefferson shrugged.

“Fine. But don't get mad at me if I don't understand.” They lapsed into silence, which was unusual for them. Just then, there was a knock on the door, and George Washington stepped in.

“Well, at least you two are getting along.”

“We’re _not_.” Jefferson and Hamilton said simultaneously. Washington rolled his eyes.

“Anyways, I don't expect you in work for at least three weeks, Alexander. Understood?”

“I...yes.” Washington nodded.

“Good.” He walked out of the room.

Next in was Angelica Schuyler. She stormed in, a whirlwind of passion and fury.

“ _ALEXANDER HAMILTON!_ YOU IDIOTIC _ASSHOLE!_ DO YOU KNOW HOW SCARED EVERYBODY WAS! HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU WORRIED?” She paused for a moment, to take a breath. “Don't you ever me see you in this hospital bed again.” She said. He nodded guilty, and she stormed out the same way she’d come. Thomas saw her wipe at her eyes with her sleeve out of the corner of his eye.

“She is terrifying.” He admitted, still slightly shocked. Alexander nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, she is.”

 

Laf and Hercules came in next. They didn't have much to say. They both hugged Alexander, clearly holding back tears. Then, before they left, Laf pulled Thomas aside.

“Has he told you yet? Why he did it?” He asked in a low voice. Thomas shook his head.

“No. He hasnt said anything to anyone.” Lafayette sighed.

“I haven't seen him like this since middle school. Keep an eye on him, please.”

“Why not you?” He smiled sadly.

“For all your fighting and arguments, Thomas, he trusts you with his life. Also, he does not care about your opinion as much, so he isnt as afraid of you judging him.” Thomas sighed. “Besides, you’re the one who saved his life, breaking through his window like that and calling 911.” He hugged Thomas briefly. “Good luck.”

 

And then the door closed.

“You can leave, you know.” Alex said after a moment.

“Nice try. I’m on babysitting duty.” Jefferson replied, rolling his eyes. Hamilton groaned, letting his head drop on the pillow. “So...do you wanna talk about it?” 

“If I did, you’d be the last person I'd talk to.”

“Fair enough.” Thomas said. So he started talking instead. About the president (“Honestly what a moron, Hillary would have been so much better.” “I definitely agree. Pence isn't any good either.”) about TV (“You’re really only up to season 7 of Doctor Who?” “Some of us have jobs, Thomas.” “We work together, asshole.”) about New York (“I’m just saying I prefer Virginia.” “Shut up. New York is the greatest city in the world.”) Eventually, in the middle of an argument (“I’m just saying, 9 is completely under-rated!” “I agree, but nobody will ever top Tenant!) Hamilton's eyes slowly closed. Thomas stretched, and curled his legs underneath him. He was asleep in seconds.

 

When Hamilton woke up, his eyes immediately went to Thomas. He was fast asleep, his hair puffed out around his head in a soft halo. In sleep, his expression was peaceful. But the aura of confidence he usually carried was gone. He looked soft, vulnerable. Hamilton picked up his notebook from his bedside, which someone had been nice enough to bring. He reached for a pen or pencil, but then remembered that he wasn't allowed either of those. He groaned in frustration. Thomas stirred.

“What?” He asked, his voice sleepy and soft. Hamilton’s heart did a backflip.

“Not allowed to have a pen or pencil.”

“Oh.”

“And I cant have my laptop either. Damn it.” He tossed his notebook across the room at the wall. “I _hate_ this. I _hate_ it!”

“Alexander, calm down.” Thomas grabbed his arm. “The nurses are going to come sedate you again.” Alexander froze, staring at Thomas’s arm. Thomas blushed, and moved his hand quickly.

“Sorry.” They were silent for several long moments.

“So, um, how do you feel?”

“Shitty. My head hurts and I'm nauseous but I'm starving.” Thomas grimaced.

“Are you allowed to eat? I could bring you something from the cafeteria. Or actually, arent they supposed to bring you something?” Alexander shrugged.

“I probably won't eat it anyways. Hospital food is gross.” Thomas nodded. It was true.

“Well, you have to eat something. I’ll grab you something from the cafeteria.”

“You don’t have to...”

“Well, I'm going to.” Thomas’s eyes were daring him. So he nodded.

“Okay.”


	3. Panic! At the hospital

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hamilton needs a hug. And also some anxiety meds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm v sorry...this is kinda angsty...but I've been on a plane all day and I needed to write something.

Alexander woke up sobbing, gasping for air. He doubled over onto himself, pulling his legs to his chest, and burying his face in his knees.

“Hamilton?” Thomas asked, jumping up from his chair. He didn’t move. Jefferson hesitated, then put a hand on Alexander’s arm. “Alexander?” Alexander managed to move his head, and Thomas realized he was having a panic attack.

“Okay. Breathe, okay? Breathe with me.” He made exaggerated breathing motions, and Alexander copied him until his heart rate had slowed some. “ Alex, tell me five things you can see right now.

“Your eyes. Your hair. My legs. The wall. The door.”

“Good. Four things you can hear?”

“The machine. Your breathing. My breathing. My heartbeat. Footsteps in the hallway.”

“Okay, three things you can feel.”

“My sheets. Your hand.”

“Two things you can smell.”

“Rubbing alcohol and my sandwich from earlier.”

“One thing you can taste.”

“Medicine.” He made a face. Jefferson chuckled a little, and nodded. 

“Okay. Little better?”

“Little better.” Hamilton agreed, managing to unclench his fist. Thomas moved to sit back in his chair, but Alexander’s hand shot out to grab his arm, in an weaker grip than normal.

“Could you...just maybe stay there for a moment.” Thomas nodded, and sat back on the edge of the bed, so they were shoulder to shoulder. When he noticed the heart rate monitor start to climb again, he took Alexander’s hand and started breathing exaggeratedly. Hamilton followed his lead again, trying to calm himself. After a while, the grip on his hand loosened, and Alexander’s breathing evened out. His head was resting on Thomas’s shoulder. Thomas gently sat back so their backs were being supported by the bed, and closed his eyes.

As it would happen, Hamilton was a cuddler.

And of course, so was Jefferson. Because life hated them like that, obviously.

They both somehow gravitated towards each other in the night, and woke up to find themselves embarrassingly close, legs and arms tangled, foreheads touching. Hamilton woke to see Thomas fast asleep, looking exhausted from the previous night. Alexander felt a pang of guilt. He hadn't meant to wake him up, after all. Just then, Thomas stirred, and Alexander quickly closed his eyes. There was a moments pause, then he felt Thomas untangle himself. He heard the door close as Thomas left, presumably to go home and get fresh clothes, relax a little.

Alex opened his eyes to see a note on the table

**Hamilton-**

**Gone home to shower and get clothes. Behave!!!!! I'll be back later, probably.**

**Jefferson.**

He came back later that afternoon, around two.

“What’d I miss?” 

“Oh, I was beginning to think I'd gone deaf, it's so quiet here. Thank God I have you.” Hamilton snarked. “You know... you really didn't have to come back.”

“What, and let you have a day of peace and quiet, all to yourself? Yeah right.” He smirked at Hamilton, who stuck out his tongue.

“Asshole.” 

“Fuck off.” Alexander replied, flipping him off. 

_ There was something so familiar about this, the back and forth, the insults that were really terms of endearment. _

“Because I am such a good person, I brought books.” Thomas said, and dumped his bag on the bed. Ten or fifteen books fell onto the bed. Shakespeare, War and Peace, The Odyssey, To Kill a Mockingbird.

“Okay, okay, I take it back. You’re only a little bit of an asshole.” Thomas pretended to wipe a tear from his eye.

“Why, Mr Hamilton!” He said, I'm a breathy falsetto. “I may swoon! I never knew you were such a  _ romantic. _ ” Alex flipped him off again, but he was laughing too hard to properly say anything.

_ He hadn't realized just go much he missed the sound of his laughter. _

 

“Hey, can I ask you something?”  Alexander looked up from his book.

“You just did.”

“Har har har. I'm serious.”

“Call the presses!” He gave Alexander a look. “Okay, shoot. What?”

“You seem to be taking the fact that you almost died well. I thought you’d...well, I thought you’d be pissed, or depressed, or both.”

“Today...is a grey day.”

“Okay, what does that mean?” Alexander sighed.

“Well, there are good days. Those are rare. They make you feel as high as a kite, like you’re flying. Nothing can possibly be wrong, and even if it is, it can’t bother you. The world sparkles. Everything is exhilarating. You’ve got boundless energy. It’s like being a kid again. I hate those days.”

“Why?”

“Because it never lasts. You crash. And that's when you have the black says. The can’t get out of bed days, the days where your energy is gone, and you feel like you'll never be happy again. You’re sad, and angry, and bitter, and you don't understand how the world can function properly. Its the kind kind of day where everything that can go wrong will go wrong, and every little thing seems like the worst thing. Those are probably the days we argue most, because every little thing you do pisses me off. Full offense.” He smirked, and Jefferson rolled his eyes.

“And...the grey days?”

“Well, those days are kinda weird. You don't feel anything. You’re not hyper. You’re not happy. You're not sad or angry. You’re just kinda...there. You walk around on autopilot, not really living, just existing. You're not thinking right and you’re brain feels fuzzy and unused. You’re mostly just tired, really tired. Always tired.” He sighed. “So, yeah. That’s how my day’s gone.” 

Thomas was speechless.

“Wow. And that’s just...how you live?”

“Yeah.” He shrugged. 

“And...the other night, when you...”

“That was a really bad black day.” Thomas nodded. 

“Why did you do it?” Alexander turned away, looking completely absorbed in his book. Thomas sighed, knowing the subject was closed.


	4. Look around, look around, at how lucky we are to be alive right now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SO MUCH ANGST GAH I MIGHT HAVE CRIED WHILE WRITING THIS SORRY LOVELIES

Alexander was bored. Incredibly bored. Thomas had been gone for two days. He had to work, after all, and the nurses had been generous, letting him stay after visiting hours so often. But it had been two weeks, and he wasn't as much of a risk anymore. He was able to wear his own clothes now, and use pencils to write-which was a huge relief. But it also meant he didn't have as much company.

“Bonjour!” Lafayette said, entering the room. “We’re going on a tour of the hospital gardens.”

“Oh, we are? I'm so glad I was informed.” Lafayette rolled his eyes.

“Come on.” He grabbed Alex’s arm, pulling him towards the door. He followed along, resisting only slightly. 

“Laaafff...”

“You need some sunlight, mon ami. You look like a ghost.”

“Yeah, well. I nearly was one.” Lafayette stopped, giving him a look. 

“Not funny. Not even close.”

“Sorry.” He followed willingly for the rest of the way, feeling slightly guilty.

 

“Look how beautiful the colors are.” Lafayette whispered. Hamilton nodded, dumbstruck. “Our Laurens would have loved this.” Hamilton winced.

“Please...don’t.” Lafayette gave him a soft look.

“I know you miss him. He was a dear friend to all of us. But I think he was more to you, yes?” Hamilton closed his eyes.

“I loved him.” He said, eventually. “And it still hurts.”

“I know, mon ami. I know. It hurts me too. It hurts my heart that he suffered so, and it hurts my heart that you must suffer as well. But I think he would want us all to be happy, wouldn't you?”

“Don’t give me that bullshit.” He said, his voice harsher sounding than usual. 

“I remember him always saying to us ‘be happy. Be happy and be loved.’ Even in his final days, his last thoughts were of us. His last wishes were for us to be happy.”

“Don’t.” Whispered Alexander.

“Look around, Alexander. The flowers are blooming. The world is filled with color. There is so much left for you to do, for you to experience. I think John would want you to do all the things he couldn't.” 

“I miss him.” Alexander whispered, tears flowing freely down his cheeks. “It hurts, Laf. I know it was two years ago, but it feels like yesterday. How is it fair that I’ve gotten almost twenty four years when he only got nineteen?” Lafayette pulled him into a hug, as Hamilton sobbed.

“I know.” He murmured. “But for his sake. Promise, you will try to live life as well as you can, to experience as much as you can. For his sake.” 

“I don't want to die. I don't think I ever did.”

“I know. You just didn't want to be alive, correct?”

“Yeah. But...I think I might feel differently now.” He wiped his eyes. “For John.”

“For John.” Lafayette agreed, taking his hand. “Look how beautiful the world is. Aren't you glad you're alive to see this?” 

And Alexander had to admit, that standing here amongst the flowers, watching the sunset turn the sky gold and red, the world wasn’t completely horrible. 

 

They returned to Alexander’s room distinctly red eyes, but smiling.

“And then there was the time he brought the turtles into the apartment?” Lafayette asked, chuckling.

“Oh, yeah. And he named them after us!”

“Mhhm. The fast one was Lafayette, the biggest one was Herc, and the one that always stayed in the corner was Alex.” Alexander laughed loudly, for the first time in a long time.

“Glad to see you’re feeling better, Alexander.” The nurse said, smiling at him.

Alexander smiled back.

“Me too.” He said.

 

Jefferson rubbed his eyes with his hands, yawning. He’d been at work since five that morning. He never realized just how much Hamilton contributed until Hamilton wasn't there anymore.

Just then, there was a knock on his door.

“Come in.” He called. James Madison walked in.

“Hi, Thomas.”

“Hey, James. What's up?”

“I need your sign off on this thing.” He hesitated. “Also, I wanted to talk to you.”

“Oh? What about?” Thomas asked. He had a sinking feeling he knew exactly what James wanted to talk about.

“Hamilton.”

_ Damn it. _

“What about him?”

“Well...you’ve been spending a lot of time together lately, haven’t you?”

“The guy’s in the hospital. Someone should visit him.”

“Sure, but not every single day for hours. I thought you hated the guy.”

“I did! I do. I just...I feel sorry for the guy. He’s all alone. I mean, Eliza left him. John died-and there's no way those two were platonic. Lafayette and Herc are heading back to France soon.”

“I see.”

“What?!” 

“Nothing.” James said, hiding a smile. “Anyways, thanks for singing these.” 

“Yeah, sure. No problem.” Thomas said wearily. James left quietly, and Thomas buried his head in his hands. 

 

He gently knocked on Hamilton’s door, checking his watch. It was almost seven, he might not want visitors. The door swung open.

“Ugh. You.” Alexander said. But he was smiling. 

“Just making sure you’re not enjoying yourself too much.” He replied, smiling back.

“So, how is work? How's Gwash? Any new gossip? Did Donna break up with that loser yet?”

“Slow down.” Thomas laughed. “Uh, Washington's fine, I don't listen to gossip, and I don't know who Donna is.”

“Liar.” Alexander said. “You’re a gossipy old nag, and you know it.”

“Ugh, fine. Jenny's pregnant, Sarah had a one night stand with Jeff, but now its just all awkward, and Donna was going to break up with him but he proposed so now she doesn't know what to do.” Alexander cringed.

“Yikes.” 

“Yeah. She told him she'd have to think about it.”

“Wow. Poor Donna. Anyways, how are you?” Thomas looked at him suspiciously.

“...I’m fine. What's gotten into you?” Alexander shrugged happily.

“I dunno. Realized I don’t want to die after all? But other than that, nothing really. I'm trying not to read too much into it and just enjoy my good mood.” Thomas nodded. It made sense.

“Well, that's good to hear, at least. That you don't actually want to die.” 

“Why do you care?” 

“What, you think I want you to die?” Alexander was silent. “Alexander, we might not be the best of friends, and we might disagree on many things, but I definitely don't want you to die. I...I would be very upset if anything happened to you.” He said. Thankfully, Alexander said nothing. Thomas cleared his throat before saying

“So, anything on TV?”


	5. That chapter I wrote while having an existential crisis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I like bed-sharing tropes too much. Also look out for a special appearance at the end!!!

Much later, probably hours later, Thomas woke up to hear footsteps. Alexander was pacing the floor, clearly deep in thought. Based on his troubled expression and his hands clenched.so tightly his knuckles were white, it wasn't very pleasant thought.

“Something wrong?” He asked, trying to remember when he’d fallen asleep. He'd meant to go back to his apartment, but he'd evidently fallen asleep before he'd gotten to do that. 

“You fell asleep a couple hours ago, while we were watching the first hobbit movie.” Alexander said, as if reading his mind. “Do you ever just remember that we’re all going to die someday and pretty much everything we do in our entire lives is futile because it won’t make enough of a difference to ever matter and someday the entire human race will be dead and gone and the earth will be destroyed and there will be nobody left to talk about us, or even Shakespeare or Mozart or Socrates and if that’s true then what's the point of doing anything? What's the point of even being alive? What is it all for? We live for eighty, ninety years if we’re lucky, or a lot less if we’re not, like John. What's the point then? How do you make your life matter? How do you make a difference? Does it even matter if you leave a legacy? You’ll be dead. There's no coming back from that, there's no point of having a legacy after you're dead. You're not around to see it. “ He turned to face Thomas, eyes wide and panicked. “What do I do?”

“Well, for starters, at least try to calm down a bit. You're going to give yourself a panic attack.” 

“I'm well aware.” Nevertheless, he takes several deep breaths, in an attempt to calm himself.

“And I think the answer is-the point is to help as many people as possible, to touch as many lives as you can. Maybe you won't have made a difference in 100 years, but you'll have made a difference to that person, today. I think that's all we can do, live day to day, and make the most difference we can today. Just try to make the world a better place, bit by bit. Yes, we could die tomorrow, but thats part of the value of life. Would you treasure your life as much if you were immortal?”

“I hadn't thought about that.” Alexander admitted. Thomas reached out, placing a hand on his shoulder. 

“Get some sleep, Alexander. You look about ready to collapse. When's the last time you properly slept?” Hamilton shrugged. Thomas sighed. 

“What's it going to take for you to go to sleep?” He shrugged miserably. “Well, let's just sit and talk then.” 

Somehow, they end up on Hamilton’s bed, Thomas’s arm around Alexander’s shoulders. 

“D’you think The Doctor could die of dehydration or starvation?” Alexander asked sleepily. Thomas shrugged.

“Dunno.” He chuckled, which turned into a yawn. His eyes started closing involuntarily as they talked about musicals and work and everything else in between.?

Some invisible line had been crossed that night, not that either of them exactly acknowledged it. But they never thought of each other as enemies. After the things they’d shared, the mutual comfort they took from each other, they couldn't even pretend to hate each other. 

 

Thomas woke to Alexander curled at his side, his head on Thomas’s chest. He had the strangest urge to brush the hair off of his forehead. In sleep, Alexander was finally peaceful. He looked younger than he usually did, smaller. Softer. Thomas smiled, and gently moved, shifting Alexanders head from his chest. Alexander made a small noise of displeasure and opened one eye.

“You’re a good pillow.” He said sleepily. “What time is it?” Thomas checked his phone.

“It's 7:15.”

“Do you have to work today?” 

“Nah. It's Sunday.” Alexander smiled.

“Stay here. We can watch Doctor Who.” Thomas laughed, enjoying how cute he was in the mornings.

_ Later he would deny he’d thought that. _

“Okay.” He agreed. “I'll stay.” Alexander grinned, and sat up.

“I'm only doing this to keep you from having a productive day, though.” He said after a moment.

“That's okay, I'm gonna talk all through it anyways.”

“Asshole.” Alexander said affectionately.

“Dickhead.”  Thomas said, just as fondly.

_ Yes, something had definitely changed. _

 

“I don't hate you.” Alexander blurted out suddenly. Thomas froze, looking over the top of his book.

“Um, what?” 

“I don't hate you. Exactly. In fact I’ve kinda come to think of you as an...acquaintance of sorts.”

“Why,  _ Mr Hamilton! _ You’re making me blush! That may just be the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me!” He batted his eyelashes flirtatiously, hands on his chest. Alexander punched him lightly on the shoulder.

“Alexander?” He said, after a few moments of silence.

“Yeah?”

“I don't hate you either.”

“Why,  _ Mister Jefferson! _ ”

“Asshole.”

“Dickface.”

 

Alex was in bed reading when Eliza came in. Thomas was working, and probably wouldn't come by till later, if he came at all, so he was trying to keep entertained. 

“Hello, Alex.” She said, softly. He looked up, startled.

“Eliza?”

“I should’ve come sooner. I just...I couldn't face it.”

“Nah, it's fine.” He patted the bed, inviting her to sit down. She did so carefully. “How are you?” He asked.

“I’m good.” She said, smiling warmly. “Um...do you remember Mariah Reynolds?”

“Um, vaguely.” He frowned. “Wasn’t she a high school friend of yours?”

“Yeah. Well, Um, we’re kinda...together now?”

“Really? That's great!” He said, genuinely happy for her. The relationship had ended on good terms, both agreeing they weren't happy with the relationship anymore, so he could honestly say he was happy she'd found someone. “I'm so happy for you!”

“Thanks, Alex.” She smiled. “How are  _ you _ ?”

“Well, pretty soon I won't be mandated to attend group therapy anymore. And I'm allowed to have my laptop and phone. And I can eat with metal utensils at meals now...” He trailed off, realising how pathetic he sounded. But Eliza smiled.

“I'm glad you're making so much progress. How long until you can leave?”

“If I keep going the way I am, about a month, but I'll still be on meds and see a therapist regularly.”

“Well, that's good. It's all for the best. I'm glad you’re getting better.” She hugged him tightly. They talked for a little while, about everything and nothing, until Jefferson burst in.

“Surprise! Brought you lunch!” He announced. “It's Chinese, so you can't complain.”

“How do I know it's not poisoned?” Alex teased. Thomas laughed.

“I guess you'll just have to eat it and find out.”

“If I did from this, I'm so coming back to haunt your ass.”

“Now that is a scary thought.” Eliza’s eyes went comically wide, in sudden realization. 

“Really? Him?” She mouthed behind his back. He flipped her off. Thomas looked back at her, and she smiled, the perfect picture of innocence.

“Well, I should go, so you can eat your food.” She winked exaggeratedly, causing Alex to blush. “Bye!”

_ Sometimes, he realized, you can love and hate a person at the same time. _


	6. I should tell you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feelings. Lots of feelings. Probably too many feelings. IDEK what i'm doing anymore.

 

“Thomas?” Alex asked, looking over the top of his book.

“Yeah, Alex?” 

“Do you remember that night last month? When I...when I tried to kill myself?”

Thomas was listening now.

“Yes. I don't think I could ever forget it.”

“Well...I mean, if you wanted me to talk to you about it...” Thomas set down his book, and walked over to sit down next to Alex. He took his hand, and squeezed it.

“Okay.” And so...he started talking.

“I felt worthless, okay? I felt worthless and stupid. I hadn’t slept in three days and hadn’t eaten in four. I was having insomnia, and whenever I found sleep, I had nightmares about John, about him wasting away in front of me, about blood pouring from his eyes, about him bruising under my touch. Sometimes he came back to life in my dreams, to blame me for his death. Irrational, I know, but I believed it. To top it all off, I...” He swallowed thickly. “I had been cutting. And it just wasn’t enough. And then one day I just realized I didn't want to live anymore. So I got myself drunk and...well, you know what happened next.”  

_ Thomas would remember that night for the rest of his life-the fear, the sound of the glass breaking and the overwhelming silence.The pressure of his lips on Alexander’s when he performed CPR, tasting alcohol and salty tears.  _

Alexander was quietly crying now, a few tears running down his face. Before he knew it, a pair of arms had completely encircled him. Thomas had tackled him, wrapping his arms around Alexander tightly as he could, never wanting to let go again. Alex buried his face in Thomas’s shoulder, sobbing.

“You scared me that night.” Thomas admitted, close to tears himself . “I thought you were going to die. Please don't ever scare me like that again.” Alex simply wrapped his arms around him even tighter, refusing to let go.

_ For that moment, just holding each other, knowing the other is alive and safe, is good enough. _

They fall asleep together again, arms and legs tangled up. 

 

Alex folded the last shirt and put it in his bag, relishing the fact that in a few hours he would be going home. There was a knock on the door, and Thomas walked in, grinning.

“So. Last day in the hospital, huh?” Alexander grinned in response, zipping up his backpack. “Let’s get ice cream.” Thomas suggested. “To celebrate.”

“I’M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR ICE CREAM!”

“And stale memes, apparently.”

“That meme is not stale, Thomas. You’re stale.” 

“That meme is staler than those breadsticks in your purse.” Alex, not having a witty reply, stuck out his tongue.

“I hate you.”

“I'm pretty sure we've already established that’s not true.” Jefferson grinned. “Come on, you dork, let's go get that ice cream. **”**

“You’re buying.”

“Duh, you’re broke.”

“...shut up.”  

  
  


“So we’re standing at the top of the rollercoaster finally, after waiting in line for three hours, and James says “Um, this is probably a bad time to tell you, but I’m scared of heights.” Alex shook his head, laughing. 

“So what’s up with you two? You have this, like, weird dynamic. Like sometimes you’re all platonic heterosexual ‘no homo’ bros, and other times you’re all “Oh, jimmy james, I love you so!” He said in a ridiculously high falsetto, batting his eyelashes. Thomas burst out laughing.

“Oh my god, no. I love the guy, but definitely not like that. He’s ace, and not my type anyways.” Alexander  snorted.

“And what, pray tell, is your type?” Thomas laughed.

“Dunno. When I find it, I’ll let you know.” 

“Fair enough.” Alexander replied. 

“And what about you and that Laurens guy?” Alex winced. “Sorry, I know that's a sore subject. You don't have to answer.” 

“No, it's fine. Well you know, of course, that he...he died. Cancer. Well, we’d been friends since childhood, but I'd developed a crush on him a while back. And, a while after the diagnosis, he knew he didn't have any time to waste. So...he told me that he liked me. We had a whirlwind romance. It was...it was the best three months of my life. And the worst.”  Alex’s voice cracked. “He died in my arms.” Thomas’s heart broke for him. He reached out and took Alexander’s hand. He smiled at him, and he smiled back tearfully. “Thanks. For everything you've done.” Thomas squeezed his hand lightly.

“C’mon. Let's get going before they kick us out.”

 

Laughing, gasping for air, they stopped in front of Alex’s apartment. 

“I'm...never...running...again...” He panted, laughing. 

“Me neither.” Thomas agreed. Alex straightened up, fishing in his pockets for his key.

“So I've already been in.” Thomas said, suddenly serious.

“You have?”

“Yes. There’s no more sharp objects, including all your scissors and razors. And there's no more alcohol in the house either.” He paused. “Call me if you need anything. Anything at all.” Alex nodded.

“I will. Thanks.” Thomas nodded, and hugged him tightly, and said “See you tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Alex agreed. He unlocked his apartment, and opened the door. “Bye, Thomas, he said, and stepped inside.

“Bye.” The door closed, and Thomas walked off, trying to convince himself that he didn't miss Alex, and he wasn't lonely.

 

Thomas watched as Alex walked in the door at work. Seeing him here, he looked small, and pale. Thomas hadn’t hadn't realized how skinny he'd gotten. A couple people clapped him on the shoulder, and a few told him they were glad he was back. But most people ignored him. He seemed to be fine with that.

“Asshole.” Thomas said, walking by him.

“Dickhead.” Alex replied. They smiled at each other. 

“So, coming to the meeting today?”

“Like I would ever miss an opportunity to argue with you.” Thomas rolled his eyes.

“See you then.”

“See you.”

 


	7. George is so done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex...agrees with Jefferson?!?!?!?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW I KNOW THIS CHAOTER TOOK WAY TOO LONG AND IS WAYYY TOO SHORT AND YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER AND I'M SORRRYYYY  
> I've been going through a bit of a rough mood these past few days. Just because. Literally for no other reason. And i've had no motivation to do anything. Even writing  
> But anyways! You didn't come here for that! So here's the chapter!!

“Good to see you back, Alexander.” Washington said.

“Thanks, sir.” He smiled at Alexander, and stood up.

“The issue on the table-our company’s health plan policy. Many people have been complaining that it doesn’t cover new glasses. However, to compensate covering that, we may need to change our dental coverage. Do we change the policy, or do we keep it the way it is? Mr Jefferson, you have the floor.” Thomas stood up.

“I say we should change it. Most of the people getting these benefits, strain their eyes sitting in these offices filling out paperwork. Most glasses cost at least a hundred dollars for lenses and frames. And glasses don’t need to be replaced that often, whereas if we cover every single cavity, it would be very expensive. Not only would we be covering theirs, but their children’s as well, and children are very prone to cavities. Overall, it’s better for the company’s finances and the workers health if we change it.” He sat down. To nobody’s surprise, Alexander stood up.

“The problem with that is, they expect us to cover the costs of their dental work. If we stop, they could look elsewhere for insurance, or leave the company because they aren’t getting enough benefits.” He paused. “On every other point, though, I agree with Th-Jefferson.” That got everyone’s attention. Mouths dropped all around, and someone actually gasped. “What, it’s not that unusual of an occurrence!”

“It really is.” Thomas said.

“Oh shut up, I wasn’t talking to you.” Alexander said. That would’ve been familiar enough to everyone, but the tone he used was amused, almost fond.

“Well, I’m sorry. Maybe if you’d ever admit I was right, we wouldn’t argue so much.” Thomas teased, smirking.

“Maybe if you ever were right, I would.” Alex shot back, smiling. Thomas grinned, and both men started laughing, leaving the rest of the table confused and shocked.

“Uh...meeting adjourned.” Washington sighed, shaking his head.

 

They managed to stop giggling like five year olds just long enough to get into Thomas’s office, where Thomas flopped in his chair, and Alexander collapsed on the couch, in fits of laughter.

“Oh my god, their faces!” 

“It was priceless.” Thomas agreed. “We should agree with each other more often.”

“Maybe.” Alex replied. There was a knock on the door, and James Madison stuck his head in.

“Hey, Thomas, I-Oh. Hi, Hamilton.” Alexander nodded in greeting, his face becoming stone.

“James.” 

“Anyways, I wondered if I could get your signoff on this.”

“Yeah, sure.” Thomas signed quickly and handed it back to him. 

“Thanks.”

“Yeah, sure.” Thomas watched him leave. When the door was completely shut and he was out of earshot Thomas turned to Alex.

“What the hell was that?”

“It's no secret that James and I don't like each other.” Alex replied. His fists were clenched tightly.

“You couldn't even  _ try _ to-”

“No.” Thomas sighed.

“You’re insufferable sometimes, you know.”

“Yeah, I’ve been told.” 

There was silence for a few minutes.

“Don’t you have work to do? Thomas asked.

“Ugh. Yeah.” He sighed. “I'll see you later.” He got off the couch and closed the door, leaving Thomas alone with his thoughts.

 

“So, I've been thinking.” Alexander looked up to see Thomas standing in the doorway. “You have that whole book you’re writing, right?” Alex nodded. 

“Uh, yeah, why?” 

“Well, I could probably help you proofread and edit it.” Alex nodded slowly.

“Okay.” 

“Great. Now, come on.”

“...What?”

“We’re going to get something to eat for lunch so you don't pass out.” Alex checked his watch. It was almost one o'clock.

“I’m not going to-”

“Alex, you’re so pale right now that you look like a ghost. And your hands are shaking, probably from low blood sugar. You’re probably going to get dizzy when you stand up, then deny it. Come on.” Alexander sighed and stood up, stumbling a bit. “Dizzy?”

“No. Shut up.” Thomas smirked.

“Come on.” He said, grabbing Alexander’s hand and pulling him along. There were several stares and questioning looks, but thankfully, they encountered nobody. 

 

“How did I not know this place was right across the street from our work?” Alexander took a tentative bite of his burger, and moaned. “Oh my god. This is the best burger I’ve ever had.” Thomas smiled.

“Told you so.”

“Yeah, yeah. Oh my god I want to eat this burger every meal. I want to marry this burger.” Thomas rolled his eyes.

“Try the fries.” He took one tentatively, took a bite, and shrugged.

“They'd be better in mayo.”

“Mayo!” Thomas exclaimed. “Alexander! These are handmade fried. They are filled with love and happiness. They are the best damn fries I’ve ever tasted. And you want to soil then with mayonnaise? I can't take you anywhere.”

“Says the man who’s literally eaten Kraft Mac n cheese for lunch every day of his life.” Thomas rolled his eyes.

“I like Mac and cheese, okay? Don't shame my love for Mac n cheese. At least I don't want to  _ marry _ it.”

“I'm not even sorry. This burger is amazing.” He took another bite and made an obscene sound. Thomas rolled his eyes.

“Calm down, Alex.” He checked his phone, and groaned. “We should probably get back to work, soon. They're going to wonder where we are.” Alexander sighed. 

“Ughh, fine. But we’re coming back here tomorrow.”

“Whatever you say. Come on.” They left the small diner, Alex still eating his burger.


	8. Go away Burr nobody wants you here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex needs so many hugs. All the hugs. And his medication. My poor son.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for self harm and a panic attack, though I tried to keep the description for the panic attack relatively light (Mainly so I didnt have a panic attack XD)

“Where did you two go?” Alex turned to see Aaron Burr.

“Oh, hey Burr. Burgers. You’ve gotta try the burgers in the diner next door, they’re the best ones I’ve ever had.” Burr nodded, still looking mystified. 

“Okay.” He walked off down the hall, and Thomas and Alex had to work very hard to not laugh. 

 

“Hey, James?” James looked up to see Burr hovering in his doorway.

“Yeah?”

“Since when have Hamilton and Jefferson been so friendly?” James shrugged.

“Probably since Hamilton went to the hospital. Thomas called the ambulance, you know.”

“Oh.” Burr sighed. “God.” He shook his head, and disappeared from the door.

 

The instant Hamilton stepped into his apartment, he felt it. Was it dread? Sadness? Fear?

Last night, when he’d gotten home, he’d been exhausted. He’d gone straight to bed, not even looking around. But now, walking in, it all hit him at once. Every single detail of that night rushing back. 

_ Alcohol on his lips. _

_ Breaking glass and frantic running footsteps _

_ The stench of blood. Blood and his own vomit. _

_ Frantic hands on his chest, pushing, pushing, a mouth breathing for him. _

_ “Stay with me, Alexander. Stay with me.”  _

_ A hand in his as he was rushed somewhere. _

He gulped, his breathing already accelerating beyond his control. He gasped for air wildly, his mind already racing.

_ In for four...hold for seven...out for eight... _

_ It’s not working. Not working notworkingnotworkingNOTWORKING shitshitshit  _

He curled himself into a ball in the middle of the floor, tears falling from his eyes. He knew there was no calming himself this time, as he clutched himself even tighter, his nails digging into his sides, his arms, scraping and scratching, trying desperately to bring himself back to reality.

It was hours before he was lucid again, before he could finally move. He slowly released himself, and managed to walk shakily to his bed, the nail marks in his arms bleeding.

 

_ “John...” Alexander turned in bed, searching for warmth. “John?” John was laying with his back to him. Alexander put a hand on his shoulder, and he slowly turned. Alexander cried out, in shock and terror. John was pale, his hair ratty and thin. His cheeks were hollow and emaciated. As Alexander watched, blood began dripping from the corners of his eyes. He opened his mouth, and his teeth were falling out, and he was bleeding and there was blood everywhere oh god and he kept smiling that horrible smile, that horrible, bloody, toothless smile, and his eyes were empty pools of nothingness, and blood poured from them, covering his face, covering Alexander and it wouldn’t stop and oh god _

Alexander sat bolt upright, breathing shakily. 

_ John... _

Frantically, he got himself out of bed, frantically pawing at the mattress, lifting it.

_ Please be there... _

There it was, his razor, hastily discarded from that night. He lifted it.

_ Sorry, John. _

Brought it to his skin.

_ Sorry, Eliza. _

He dragged it across his wrist, with a sharp, tugging sensation, blood blooming up from the first cut. 

_ Sorry, mother.  _

Again.

_ Sorry, Angelica. _

Again.

_ Sorry, Thomas. _

 

It was almost a half an hour later when he mustered up the courage to reach for his phone. Bloodied hands shaking, he dialed Thomas’s number, and pressed call before he could change his mind. He answered on the third ring.

“Hello?” Thomas asked, voice soft with sleep.

“Thomas?”

“Alex? What’s wrong?” He sounded alert now.

“I...I fucked up. Oh god. I fucked up. I’m sorry.” He sobbed, and hit the end call button. 

 

It was twenty minutes later when he heard running footsteps in his hall.

“Alexander?  _ Alex??  _ Where are you?”

“Here.” He called weakly. His bedroom door opened, and Thomas ran in, disheveled and breathing heavily. Had he run the whole way here?

He dropped to his knees beside Alexander.

“God, Alexander.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“That’s not what I meant. I’m just upset...I was worried I was going to lose you. I’m glad you called.” He carefully put an arm around Alexander’s waist, and carefully helped him up. It was only a few steps from his bedroom to his kitchen, and Thomas sat him in a chair.

“First aid kit?” Thomas asked.

“The cupboard underneath the sink.” He sat down across from Alex, and pulled one of his arms closer. He took out an alcohol wipe and gently dabbed at the cuts. Alex winced.

“Sorry, sorry...” Thomas said guiltily. He carefully dabbed it a few more times, and then pulled out the bandaids. He carefully placed them, muttering apologies as Alex winced. Then he did the same thing with Alexander’s other arm. He gently helped Alexander up, but instead of taking him to his bedroom, they headed for the door.

“Where are we going?” Alex mumbled.

“My apartment. I know, it’s late, and you’re tired. But I don’t want you staying here anymore. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just...”

“I understand.” Alexander hadn’t even thought about the time. “How late is it?”

“It’s about two in the morning.” He opened the door, and together they walked out into the cool air. The stars shone brightly above them, and Alexander looked up. 

“Wow.” He breathed, his breath crystallising in the air. Thomas smiled.

“Yeah, I know.” They walked along in silence for a few moments, and Alexander slipped his hand into Thomas’s. 

“It’s so quiet.” Alexander marveled.

“Since when do you  _ like _ the quiet?” Alexander shrugged.

“It has its virtues.”  Thomas snorted. They turned the corner and reached his apartment. He pulled a key out of his pocket. 

“Well, we’re here.” He unlocked the door and opened it. “Uh. Welcome in, I guess? It’s not much. But make yourself at home and whatever.” Alexander walked in and smiled. It was a large apartment, but still cosy. He followed Thomas down the hall to the last door.

“So, uh, bedroom’s in here. Try to get some sleep before work.” Thomas said. “Unless you want to call out, I guess.” Alexander snorted. 

“Like I would call out.” Thomas rolled his eyes.   
“Whatever. I’ll be on  the couch if you need anything.” He turned away, but Alexander grabbed his wrist.

“No, I’m not letting you sleep on the couch. I’m the guest, I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“No, I’m not letting  _ you _ sleep on the couch. I’m perfectly fine with-”

“Oh my god, shut up and take the bed.”

“You.” By now they were both on the verge of laughter, looking at each other with the straightest faces they could. Suddenly, Alexander smirked.

“Well, if I won’t let you take the couch, and you won’t let me take the couch, then I guess we’ll just have to share the bed.”

“Fine.” Thomas agreed. He wouldn’t let Alexander win this battle.

“Fine.” Alexander repeated, looking smug.


	9. You don't know what it's like

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lee is an asshole. Alex puts him in his place.   
> People realize there's more to Hamilton than they thought

****

 

An alarm was going off somewhere, and Thomas blearily opened his eyes. There was a strange warmth, that seemed to be wrapped around his torso. The memories of the previous night flooded back as he saw Alexander, who had an arm draped around Thomas’s torso, his head resting on Thomas’s chest.

“Alexander.” Thomas nudged him gently. “Alex.” Alexander sat bolt upright, eyes wide.

“What? What’s happening?”

“We have work.” Thomas replied. “Come on.” Alex groaned, and flopped backwards nto the pillows. 

“Asshole.” He mumbled. Thomas cracked a fond grin at that.

“I’m going to take a shower, and you can take one after me if you want. I have some clothes you could borrow.”

“Won’t someone notice?”

“Well, they’ll definitely notice if you show up in the same clothes as yesterday.”

“Fair enough.” 

Alex slowly sat up as Thomas disappeared from the room. He heard the water start running. With a small groan, he pulled the covers off himself and got out of bed. Thomas’s room was small, but cosy, like the rest of his apartment. His bedspread, he noticed, was the same shade as that obnoxious purple coat he always wore, but Alexander found it comforting. There was a picture of him and James on his nightstand, smiling and looking rather drunk with their arms around each other. And on his wardrobe...there was a picture. Alexander’s heart leapt when he recognized it.

It was Alexander and Thomas, sitting in Alex’s office. Both were smiling, laughing together on the couch. They were half lying on top of each other, with Thomas’s arm around Alex, and Alex’s head on Thomas’s shoulder. It had been a year ago, at Alexander’s birthday party. He reached out to touch it. 

“That’s one of my favorites.” He spun around guiltily, to see Thomas-fully clothed, thank god, he didn’t think he could handle seeing Thomas in a towel-standing behind him. He smiled sheepishly.

“Yeah, I like it too.” Thomas bent down to pull open a drawer and handed Alexander a shirt and a pair of sweatpants. 

“Here.”

“Thanks.” Alex said. He disappeared into the bathroom to shower, leaving Thomas alone in the bedroom. Thomas chuckled slightly, and readjusted the picture from where Alex had knocked it over when he spun around.

Idiot.

Not too long ago, that thought would've been full of contempt. Now it was fond. He shook his head at just how quickly Alex had been able to root himself in Thomas’s life. Months ago, they’d been sworn enemies. Now?

Well, he didn’t exactly know what they were anymore, but they definitely didn’t hate each other.

When Alex left the bathroom, Thomas was waiting impatiently.

“Jeez. How long do you take to get ready?”

“What, you think my hair is just naturally this soft and thick? This takes work.” Alex said with a straight face. Thomas rolled his eyes.

“Come on, you dork.” He held open his front door, and the two left.

And if they ended up holding hands somewhere along the walk to work, well, neither man said anything.

 

“Yo, Hamilton. Alex. Earth to Alexander.” Hamilton looked up from his desk.

“Yo?  Yo? Thomas Jefferson, I am ashamed at you.” Thomas rolled his eyes.

“Whatever. Your dad wants to see us.”

“He’s not my dad. What does Washington want now?”

“He might as well be, and Hell if I know. Come on.” Alexander sighed, and stood up.

 

“You wanted to see us?” Alexander said, as they stood nervously in front of Washington’s office.

“Yeah, I did. I don’t know what’s going on with you two recently...and frankly, I don’t care.” Alexander and Thomas exchanged confused looks. “You two have been getting along better than ever. Keep it up, it makes things a lot more peaceful, if a little less interesting. By the way, don’t miss the meeting today, I have something important to announce.” They both nodded, and left the office.

“What do you think Washington has to announce at the meeting today?”  Alex asked.Thomas shrugged.

“Dunno...but it can’t be good.”

“Last time he announced something, someone had died.”

“You don’t think...”

“Nah. I’m sure that’s not it.” Alexander smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes.

 

“Hello, everyone.” Washington said, looking unusually grim. “Before we proceed, I have something of importance to discuss with you.” He paused for a moment, and sighed heavily. “Samuel Seabury committed suicide last night.”

There were murmurs of disbelief and shock around the table. Alexander clutched Thomas’s hand underneath the table. “Now, I know this is a grievous loss to our company, and a very sad day-” Charles Lee snorted.

“I mean, we can hardly call it sad. He was a coward.” Alexander froze.

“I’m sorry, what?” He asked quietly. 

“It was cowardice. Everybody knows suicide is the easy way out.” Alexander stood up.

“Shut up.” He said. “You have no right. You don’t understand. You don’t understand what it’s like to look around and think-and  know that everyone around you would be better off without you. You don't know what it’s like to look at friends, and family, and wonder if they really even care about you. You don’t know what it’s like to feel so alone, even in a room full of strangers. Always alone. You don’t know what it’s like to drag a blade across your skin, just so you can feel something. Anything. Anything but this numbness. This emptiness. Then of course, the panic comes, and the heavy, crushing grief comes, and the anger comes. It’s like choosing between drowning or dying of thirst. And you wouldn’t know that. You wouldn’t understand that. Hell, I wouldn’t want you to. But don’t sit here and tell me anything about suicide. Because you don’t know shit.” 

There was a huge, pregnant pause throughout the entire room, as Alexander seemed to realize exactly what he’d said. His hands slowly unclenched from the table, and he fled the room. 

Thomas stood up. By the time Lee realized what was happening, Thomas’s fist had already connected solidly with his nose. Lee fell off his chair, holding his bloodied nose. Thomas moved forward to punch him again, then stopped.

Alexander...

That was enough to bring him to his senses. Ignoring Lee, he ran into the hall, knowing he needed to find Alex, and fast. 

“Alexander? Alex?  Alex? ”


	10. An Enigma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex. My son. Omg.  
> (Thomas tries, bless him. Alex is Smol. James understands more than Alex thought)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is just a bit late but earlier than I thought it would be.  
> Um. Enjoy?

He found him in the bathroom, his legs drawn up to his chest, arms wrapped around himself. 

“Alexander?”

Shitshitshit it’s Thomas

He probably hates me now

“Alex? Breathe, okay? Breathe with me. Come on. There you go.” He had one hand on Alexander’s cheek, and the other resting on his arm. “Can you tell me five things you can see?” 

“Um...” Alex managed to clear his throat. “You. My arms. My feet. The floor. Your hand.”

“Good. Okay, four things you can hear.”

“Your voice. My heartbeat. The echo. People walking in the hall.”

“Good. Three things you can feel?”

“The floor, the wall, your hands.”

“Good. Two things you can smell?”

“We’re in a bathroom.” Thomas wrinkled his nose.

“Fair enough. Um, one thing you can taste.”

“Blood. I bit my lip.” Thomas looked concerned.

“Are you ok?”

“Generally, no.” Thomas sighed.

“Are you hurt, beside your lip?”

“I scratched my arm a bit, but besides that, no.”

“Okay. Good.” He carefully helped Alexander up gently, putting Alexander’s arm around his shoulders.

“Come on. Let’s go to your office, and you can lie down.” He nodded weakly. Thankfully, they didn’t see anyone in the halls. Alexander curled up on his side the moment he touched the couch. Thomas brushed a few stray pieces of hair out of his face, gently. 

“Do you need anything? Water? Something to eat?”

“My head hurts a little.” He said, in a small voice. “In my bag, there’s a frozen waterbottle. Could you get it for me?” Thomas nodded, and opened Hamilton’s bag. Sure enough, a frozen water bottle right on top. He handed it to Alexander, and Alex held it against his head. Just then, there was a knock, and James Madison walked in. Alexander sat up. 

“Oh. Oh god. No. Why-Why are you-Get out. Out out out out. Please. Now please.” He was breathing heavily, his eyes wide with panic. Thomas placed a hand on his forearm.

“Alex. Alex, listen. It’s okay. James understands. Trust me, he understands.” A look passed between the two. James smiled sheepishly.

“I just came to tell you that Washington said to go home.” Alex clenched his fist.

“Is he...?”

“No, he’s not angry. Well he is, but mainly at Lee. A bit mad at Thomas. Mostly he’s just concerned. He said to only come back tomorrow if you feel up to it.” Alexander nodded.

“Thanks, Madison.” He nodded.

“Feel better, Ham-Alexander.” He disappeared out into the hallway.

“Why would Washington be mad at you?” Alexander asked, worried. “Is it because you left?”

“Nah. I punched Lee in the nose.” Alexander gaped.

“Why? You could’ve gotten fired!” Thomas shrugged.

“He was being a dick.” Alexander sighed. Thomas held out a hand. “Come on, let’s go. Washington said to go home.” 

When Alex didn’t respond, he sighed, and lifted him up into his arms.

It was worrying how light he was, for a grown man. Thomas had no problems carrying him. He could feel his ribs, and see the bones in his arms.

He made a mental note to get him to eat something later.

He walked carefully down the hall with him, glaring at anyone who dared stare. Alexander was asleep, no doubt owing to sleep deprivation and the exhaustion of a panic attack. 

So it was a bit of a shock when he woke up in Thomas’s apartment. Thomas himself was nowhere in sight.

“Thomas?” He called. He got out of the bed, and walked down the hallway. Thomas was in the kitchen. 

“Oh, hi Alex.” He said, with a strange smile on his face. “I made you some Mac and cheese.” Alex made a face.

“I’m not hungry.” He mumbled. Thomas shoved the bowl into his hands.

“Eat.” He insisted. Alex sighed. It did look good. It was homemade, he knew Thomas didn’t like ‘fake stuff’ like kraft. So he took a hesitant bite.

He spit it out instantly, gagging. The bowl was full of maggots, wriggling and squirming, and they were coming out of his mouth and when he looked up they were coming out of Thomas’s smile, and sliding down walls and in  through the taps and  oh god this isn’t real this isn’t real this isn’t r

 

He sat bolt upright, breathing heavily. Just like in the dream, he was in Thomas’s bedroom. But this time, Thomas was there too. He had a hand on Alexander’s shoulder, looking concerned.

“You were crying out.” He said. “You ok?” Alex nodded.

“Maggots.” He said in explanation. Thomas looked confused.

“Um...okay.”

“I was eating mac n cheese, and suddenly it all turned to maggots and then they were falling out of my throat and your mouth and they started coming down the walls and out of the faucets and-” He gagged, remembering the feeling of the maggots.

“When was the last time you ate something? Or drank any water?” Alex shrugged. He felt a cool hand on his forehead.

“You’re burning up! Stay here. I’m gonna go get you some water, and some food.”

“No mac n cheese, please.” Thomas smiled.

“No mac n cheese. Does chicken noodle soup sound ok?” Alex nodded. “Okay then.” 

 

When Thomas came back from the kitchen, Alexander was asleep again.

“Alex.” He gently nudged his shoulder gently, and he stirred. “Here, drink some water.” He took the cup and sipped weakly.

“How long was I out?”

“I dunno. Maybe twenty minutes?” He placed a spoon in the bowl of soup. “I put an ice cube in it, but It might still be a little hot.” Alex rolled his eyes. 

“Thanks mom.”

“Well, I could always call Lafayette. I'm sure he’d love to come over here and force-feed you medicine and soup and make you drink water every few minutes.” Alex shuddered, remembering all the times Laf had taken care of him when he was sick. He meant well, but it was definitely overbearing.

“I’m good, thanks.”

“That’s what I thought.” Thomas smirked. “Eat the soup.” Alex tentatively lifted the spoon to his mouth.

“Oh my god. This is amazing. Did you-is this  homemade? ” Thomas shrugged.

“My mom taught me how. I like cooking.”

“You, Thomas Jefferson, are an enigma.”


	11. Better off dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Alex. My son. My poor, Smol son. Oh my gosh I'm so sorry.

Alex was already in the kitchen when Thomas woke up.

“Coffee?” He asked in a hoarse voice. 

“Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah.” Alex lied.

“Liar.”

“I can’t miss work.”

“Washington would understand.”

“I refuse to miss work.” Thomas sighed.

“At least have some water and eat something, if you’re going to insist on being stubborn and pigheaded.” Alex scowled.

“M’not stubborn.” He mumbled. 

“Suuure. Here.” He said, handing him a glass of water. “Drink up.” Alex shot him a dirty look, and drained the glass.

“There. Can we go now,  mother ?” Thomas chuckled.

“Yeah, yeah. Come on.” 

 

Alex was looking distinctly pale by the time they reached the office. 

“You ok? Thomas asked.

“Fine.” Thomas rolled his eyes.

“Whatever. Let’s get inside.” “   
He was half carrying Alex by the time they got to his office.

“I swear.” Thomas muttered. “You could’ve just stayed home, but  nooo.  You’re too stubborn.”

“Am not.” Alex mumbled. “I’m ‘kay.”    
“Yeah. Sure you are.” Thomas said sarcastically. “Why do you have to push yourself to the edge? Why can’t you just relax?” He set Alex on the couch as gently as he could.

“Why do you even care?” 

“Because I’m worried, damnit!” Alex flinched at how loud his voice had become. “You refuse to eat, you refuse to sleep, you refuse to take a break when you’re sick, you don’t take care of yourself! You’re going to end up back in the hospital. Or you’re gonna end up six feet under.” 

“Yeah, ‘cause that’d be such a horrible thing, I’m sure.” Alex replied. “Cause it’s not like everyone would be better off if that happened.” 

There was a moment of silence.

“Oh my god.” He knelt down to face Alex, who was sitting on the couch. “Alex. Oh my  god , Alex.” 

And Alex broke. He started sobbing, trying to hide his face in his hands. Thomas wrapped his arms around him, burying his face in Alex’s hair. “Oh, god. Shh. Shh. It’s okay.” He rubbed a hand down his back, in slow soothing motions, his thoughts going a mile a minute. 

Alex...

Oh my god.

He was doing so well how could he still be thinking like this why didn’t he say something how could he think we’d be better off doesn’t he know how many people care about him how many people love him what the actual fuck oh my god

When Alex had stopped crying, but still clung to him like a drowning man, Thomas finally decided to speak.

“Alex...” He started. Alex whimpered. “I know you’ve heard it a thousand times. But I’m going to tell you right now...You matter, okay? You matter so much and everyone loves you so, so much, and you would absolutely most definitely be so missed, and everybody would be  devastated-”  His voice cracked here, because of the emotion clouding his throat. Alex loosened his hold to pull back and look at him.

“You-you’re crying.” He said in astonishment. He gently reached a hand out, to rest it on the side of Thomas’s cheek, and brushed away the tears with his thumb. “I...I don’t understand-” Thomas covered the hand on his cheek with his own. 

“Don’t you  dare  tell me that everybody would be better off if you were gone.” He said. “Everyone loves you, okay? And we all need you. We need you.” He’s still crying, and Alex is looking at him wide eyed, in disbelief.

“I...” Thomas pulls him back in, wrapping his arms tightly around him. And somehow, they’re both crying still, sobbing into each other. If he weren’t so upset, Thomas thinks, this would probably be hilarious. The two of them clutching each other sobbing on the floor in the middle of Hamilton’s office.

And if anybody noticed that Thomas’s eyes were distinctly red when he left to go back to his own office, well, nobody said anything. 

 

“Thomas.” Thomas looked up to see James Madison standing in the doorway.

“Oh, hey Jimmy James. Need a signoff on something?”

“No, actually.” He replied. “I need to talk to you about something.”

“Oh.” Thomas said, wondering where this was going. He sat down in the chair opposite Thomas.

“How do you feel about Hamilton?” Thomas blinked.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“You know, you two have been confusing the whole office. You used to hate each other! Then he disappears for a month-and only a select few know where he actually was, by the way-and you’re agreeing with each other, buying each other coffee, taking care of him and making him eat and comforting him during panic attacks. Hell, the other day you punched Lee because he said something that upset him.”

“I punched Lee because he was being a dick.” James looks unimpressed.

“You punched Lee because he was being a dick  to Alexander. If it had been somebody else, you would’ve felt bad, maybe even yelled at him. But I’ve never seen you get violent.” Thomas shrugged. James sighed.

“Look, I know you care about him. I don’t understand why, but-”

“Don’t understand why?” Thomas frowned. “How could I not care about him?”

“What do you mean?”

“When I hated him, I didn’t know him. I didn’t know how stupidly self sacrificing he is, or how much he cares about his friends and family, or that he has the best laugh, or that he thinks everyone would be better off without him. I care about him so much, because...he doesn’t care about himself. Someone needs to.”

“Rather hypocritical words from you.” James snorted. “Have you told him about your high school experience?”

“No. And I don’t plan to.” 

“Why fucking not?” 

“Because at the moment, I’m okay, and he’s not! I don’t even think he’s taking his meds! So let’s leave the past actually in the past, where it belongs. He doesn’t need to know.” James rolled his eyes.

“Whatever. Just...don’t let yourself slip. Take care of yourself too, okay?”

“Mm-hm. Goodbye, James.” James left with a final sigh, and Thomas buried his head in his hands. After a moment though, he took out his phone. He knew one person he could talk to that might be able to make Alex see how everyone felt.

 

To: Angelica

Hey, I need your help with something. Please reply quickly.

 

To: Angelica

It’s about Alex.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me? Posting more than one chapter this week?  
> (It's more likely than you think)
> 
> Basically this whole chapter happened because I fucking love Angelica Schuyler and she's incredible.  
> Also we're diving right back into the angst! But next chapters gonna be worse OMG you aren't prepared seriously

Needless to say, Alex was very surprised the next day when Angelica Schuyler walked into his office.

“Angelica?” He asked cautiously, slightly worried she was going to yell at him again.

“Alexander.” She embraced him warmly. He was confused for a moment, but raised his arms to hug her back.

“Um. Wow. Hi!” She smiled, letting him go.

“Come on. We’re going to eat something, and stare at the cute boys in the diner. Just like we used to.”

“Angelica, you’re gay.” She smacked his arm.

“You know I’m bi, just like you.”

“Yeah, but you’re really, really gay.”

“Yeah, well, you’re one too talk.” She replied. “Since when have you and Jefferson been close?” He blushed.

“It’s not like that between us, Angelica.”

“Really. Because it seems you’re close enough to him for him to text me and ask me to come talk to you, since he didn’t know how to get it through your stupid head that people love you.”

“He called me stupid?”

“Nah, that was me.” She grinned. “I only say it because I care, Alex.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Well, let’s go.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Well, I am. So, come on before all the good seats are taken.

“Alright, alright, I’m coming.” He said, hoping she wouldn’t press the subject of what he’d accidentally said to Thomas earlier.

 

“So,” Angelica said conversationally, setting down her fork. “Why do you think we’d be better off without you?” Alex groaned.

“Do we really have to-”

“Yes.”

“Well...I dunno. I'm always fucking up, and you guys always have to fix me. I feel like I'm dragging you down. I don’t deserve any of you.”

“Well that’s bullshit. I'm gonna kick Thomas when I get back for letting you think this.”

“Well, I mean, he didn’t really know.”

“I’m gonna kick him anyway.” Alexander sighed.

“Look, Angelica, you asked for an answer, and I gave you one.”

“I know, I'm just-God, I can’t believe you think that. Everyone loves you, Alex.”

“Yeah, so you guys keep telling me.”

“Because it’s true.” She looked him square in the eyes, her gaze steely. “Don’t you ever think there’s anything I wouldn’t do for you. That any of us wouldn’t do for you.” She sighed, breaking his gaze. “Damnit. It kills me to see you doing this to yourself.” Her eyes were glistening. “And if you think for one fucking second that we would be better off without you...” She trailed off. “We wouldn’t.” She said eventually. “Do you remember when John died? How Herc almost started crying every time his name was mentioned? How Laf lost twenty pounds? How his parents moved because their house was filled with old memories of him? How the entire college held a vigil? How many people came to his funeral?” She was silent for a moment. “How could you do that to us? How could you even think about putting us through that again?”

“But-”

“No. You are every bit as important as me, as Laf, or Herc. Every bit as important as John was, and still is. And you would be every bit as missed.” She covered his shaking hand with her own. “Please, Alex.” Her voice was soft and pleading. “Don’t put us through that. I know, at the moment, you don’t care about yourself-although I disagree with that too-but I also know that you put your friends before everything. So please. Stay for us. Stay for John.” Alex’s eyes were watering. He squeezed her hand, softly, and she smiled at him. “So,” She said, her voice returning to normal, “Who do I have to kill for what happened yesterday? And yes, I heard.”

“Burr.” He groaned. “I thought you hated him?”

“I do. He disgusts me, he’s a snake. But at least he knew I’d want to hear about it. I still consider myself your sister, and he knows that.” Alex sighed.

“Well, you don’t have to worry about it. From what I heard, Thomas punched him. And he hasn’t shown up to work-possibly he was fired.” There was a hint of a smile on Angelica’s features.

“Maybe Jefferson’s not so much of a dick after all.”

“You didn’t think he was a dick when we were in high school.” She smacked his shoulder.

“It was one time! We were drunk at some stupid party! Are you telling me you’ve never made any drunken mistakes?” He shrugged.

“Dunno. I don’t typically drink a lot. But I can safely say I’ve never made a mistake while drunk.” Of course, Angelica didn’t know that he’d been drunk the night he’d tried to kill himself.

Right?

“We’ll revisit that later.” She said, her tone telling him that she did indeed know what he was referring to. He winced, already anticipating another lengthy conversation.

“Alright.”  She rolled her eyes.

“Don’t sound so pained. What, you don’t want to talk to me?”  
“No, I just...don’t want to have that conversation. How are Peggy and Eliza?” Her face lit up. Angelica loved Peggy and Eliza, and any chance she could take to brag about them, she did.

“They’re great, actually. I think Eliza and Mariah are moving in together soon. Eliza’s planning to ask anyways. Peggy is finally about to graduate, and she’s having a bit of an existential crisis about it because she’s growing up and she’s going to have an actual real job and an actual real place to live and she’s not sure how to feel about it.” Alex smiled.

“She’ll be fine, she’s tough.”

“That’s what I told her.” She frowned. “Our dad’s sick, though. I don’t know if you heard-he had a heart attack two months ago.”

“Yeah, I did. I’m really sorry.”  
“He just seems to be getting worse. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared of what’s going to happen if we lose him.” She confided nervously. “Peggy hasn’t even graduated yet. Because I’m the oldest, everything will be up to me-the funeral, the money, the will. I don’t know what to do.” She wrung her hands anxiously.

“Hey, it’ll be okay.” Alex said. “I’m sure your father will live for a long time yet. And even if he doesn’t, Peggy and Eliza will help you. You'll all help each other. And I'll help if I can. You won’t go through it alone, I promise.” She smiled gratefully, squeezing his hand.

“Thanks, Alex.”

“No problem.” He replied. “Dessert’s on you, though, you dragged me out here.”

“Ugh, fine.” She made a face, and Alex laughed genuinely for the first time in weeks.


	13. Let me go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're doing right back into the (badly written) angst today!  
> TW for suicide. Stay safe lovelies

When he finally managed to get back to his work, he went straight to Thomas’s office.

“Oh, hi Alex.” He said. 

“Angelica? Really?”

“She’s smarter than me. And I knew she might be able to get through to you when I couldn’t. I was worried.” Alex sighed.

“I just...I don’t know. I wish everyone could just stop.”

“Stop what?”

“This-this-all this helping me. All these people trying to-to fix me. I can’t  be fixed. I’m dragging you all down with me!” Thomas leapt out of his seat, trying to calm him. “ I never wanted this, I never wanted you all to care so much, I never wanted everyone to be upset, I should’ve just died that night, everything would’ve been so much easier.” He sat down hard on the couch, sobbing. Thomas knelt in front of him, taking both his hands and pressing their foreheads together.

“Shhh. Breathe, Alex. I know, ok, I understand, but you’ve got to breathe. Breathe with me, come on, you know the drill.” He made exaggerated breathing motions, and Alex copied him.

“Five things you can see?” Alex nodded through his tears.

“Um. You. The desk. Your stupid coat on the chair. The rug. The door.

“Four things you can feel?” 

“The couch. You. The floor. My coat.”

“Three things you can hear?”

“Your voice. Your breathing. My heartbeat.”

“Good. Two things you can smell?”

“Um...mint. And...cinnamon.”

“One thing you can taste?”

“My gum.”

“Okay. Good. Better?”

“A bit better.” Alex agreed, breathing more normally now. His sobs had subsided for the moment. “Sorry.”

“No, please don’t apologize. You don’t have to apologize for anything, ok? It’s not your fault.”

“But it is, it is, because I’m a fuckup, and I did so much damage and I’m not good for any of you and I hurt myself and I don’t even take my meds-”

“Wait, why not? Why aren’t you taking your meds?” He avoided Thomas’s gaze.

“I don’t like swallowing pills. I nearly throw up everytime I try. Ever since....” He let the sentence trail off, but they both knew what he was talking about. He refrained from saying anything, and instead wrapped his arms around Alex, sitting next to him on the couch. Alex buried his face in his shoulder.

“I’m sorry. I always do this.” 

“It’s okay.” Thomas said, fighting back tears himself. “It’s fine.” 

“I’ve gotta go.” Said Alexander.

“What? I-” But Alex was already untangling himself from his arms.

“Sorry Thomas.”

“No, Alex, w-” But Alex had already left, closing the door behind him.

 

Alex sat in his office chair, spinning slowly.

He had to stop doing this. Falling apart all over everyone. He was just burdening them. Making everything worse. They all probably hated him.

“Stupid.” He muttered. “Worthless.” He threw a book at his wall as hard as he could, angrily. There was a knock on the door.

“Go away, Thomas. Please.” He said quietly. But instead, the door opened, and James Madison walked in.

“What the hell?” He said angrily. “Thomas is in his office crying, and I know you said something.” 

“I-I- Alex stammered. 

“I know you have problems, and I know that you need help. But for fucks sake, can’t you see that you’re hurting Thomas?”

“I-”

“He has his own problems, okay? He’s been on meds for anxiety and depression since tenth fucking grade! He’s been through exactly what you have. His fucking wife died, for God's sake! And you’re fucking sitting here complaining and burdening him with all your problems! Look, he doesn’t need this! He doesn’t need you constantly flipping out on him over every little thing! You’re a fucking grown man Hamilton. Grow up and deal with your own problems, instead of forcing Thomas to!”

“Madison.” Hamilton, who was drawn into himself, tears running down his face, looked up to see Thomas in the doorway, his face appalled.

Oh god. Madison was right. I fucked up I fucked up fuck

Thomas motioned for Madison to follow him into the hallway. The door slammed behind him. He could hear bits and pieces through the door.

“How dare you...” “No right...” “Fragile enough situation...” “suicidal thoughts...” “What the FUCK were you thinking...”

Alex paid them no attention. He was . He hadn’t realized. He’s been piling all this onto Thomas, not even knowing. He was right, he was nothing but a burden. Thomas needed to be away from him, to be with people who could actually help him, and didn’t fall apart every five seconds.

He threw his phone, shattering the screen. He picked up the snow globe on his desk, and threw it at the wall, the smashing glass somehow familiar to him. 

He opened his office drawer.

Scissors...

Those would do.

 

Thomas dragged Madison into the hallway by his collar, livid.

“You had no right.” He seethed. “No fucking right. How dare you? How can you go in there and make him feel even worse? It’s a fragile enough situation without your  shit . He’s been having suicidal thoughts. He’s told me multiple times that he feels like a burden. And let me assure you, he is not. He could never be a burden or an inconvenience. It's been hard enough trying to convince him of that, and you have to go and destroy everything? Make someone who already feels like shit feel even worse? What the FUCK were you thinking?!”

“I-I just thought-I mean, you’ve already been through so much-I didn’t want you to have to deal with-”

“ Deal with? ” His voice was dangerously quiet. “I am not  dealing  with him. I’m staying by his side, and being his fucking  friend . Apparently, you don’t understand that word.” He pushed past him into the office, to apologize to Alexander. 

“Alex, I-” He froze at the scene before him. “Oh my god.” There was shattered glass all over the floor, and books were overturned everywhere. And in the middle of it, lay Alexander in a pool of blood, a pair of scissors in his hands, and two long gashes up his arms. “Call a fucking ambulance.” He choked, racing to Alexander’s side. “Alex?  Alex?! ” 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the way that last chapter ended!
> 
> (Me: Wow I've written 5000 words today i should space out the updates so theres something to post if I get writers block again  
> Also me: Post it all this week)

Thomas was shaking uncontrollably. He couldn’t stop staring at his bloody hands.

_ Alex’s blood. _

It didn’t help that the hospital’s A.C. was on full blast, and he wasn’t wearing a sweatshirt. He had used it to try and stop the blood.

_ So much blood. Blood everywhere. _

He didn’t even notice someone sit next to him until she put a hand on his shoulder.

Angelica Schuyler was staring at him with an expression somewhere between pity and understanding. He looked back down.

“I let him walk out.” He said softly. “And then James got there and by the time I realized I came over to his office but-” He let out a hiccuping sob.

“Come on.” Angelica said. “Let’s get you cleaned up.

 

He scrubbed his hands vigorously, even though they were already clean. He’d been washing them for almost twenty minutes now. He wanted to wash away every memory of this night, wanted to scrub himself raw from the bloodstains that seemed to reach deep inside him.

_ Out, damn spot! _

“I don’t believe him.” Angelica seethed. “That bastard. I’m going to fucking kill him.” Thomas had told her the whole story, while scrubbing his hands. “Thomas, you’re going to hurt yourself.” She said, turning the water off. His hands had welts from where he’d scratched at the skin, just trying to get rid of the blood. Angelica carefully wiped his hands, then pulled band-aids out of her purse.

“Peggy was a klutz when she was a kid. I got into the habit of carrying band-aids.” She explained. He nodded numbly.

 

When his hands were neatly bandaged, they finally left the bathroom. Eliza was sitting in the seat, holding hands as tightly as possible with a woman he didn’t recognize. Mariah, he assumed. Peggy sat on the other side of her, her head resting on Eliza’s shoulder. Even Washington was there, face grim.

“I called Laf. He and Herc are taking the first flight here, but they probably won’t be here until early tomorrow.” 

“Have they told you anything yet?” Peggy asked anxiously. He shook his head, and her face fell.

“I’ll be having strong words with Madison.” Washington promised. “I can’t fire him, not so soon after letting Lee go, but I can at least dock his pay.”

Thomas nodded. He felt sick to his stomach. His ears were ringing.

“Um, excuse me?” They all looked up to see a nurse. “Are you all here for Mr Hamilton?” They all nodded in agreement. “His condition is stable, at the moment. We had to give him an emergency blood transfusion to replace all he’d lost, but he should come through it fine. He can have visitors, but I must warn you that he is still unconscious. And there is a limit to the number of visitors...” She said pointedly. Washington stood.

“Well, I’d better be getting home anyways, Martha’s waiting for me. I’ll drop by in the morning.” He said.

“I have a major test I'm supposed to be studying for.” Peggy said. “I’ll come in sometime tomorrow as well.”

“Someone’s got to feed the cat, so we probably should be leaving too.” Eliza said. Mariah nodded.

“I’d stay,” Angelica said ruefully, “But I probably wouldn’t be able to stop myself from getting mad at him. And that’s not what he needs right now.” She squeezed Thomas’s hand lightly, and then she was gone.

“I’ll stay.” Thomas said. The nurse nodded, and led him to the room where Alex was.

  
  


Alex woke up in-

Wait. Alex  _ woke up. _

_ Well fuck. _

_ I can’t even mange to fucking kill myself. _

He opened his eyes slowly, and groaned.

Another hospital. 

There was a gasp at his side, and he barely had time to turn his head before he had an armful of sobbing Thomas. Thomas flung his arms around Hamilton’s neck, sobbing into his shoulder.

“OhmygodohmygodIthougtyouweregoingtodieohmygodAlex.” Alex lifted his arms to wrap them around him, but his IV stopped him. 

“They had to give you a blood transfusion. You lost  _ so much _ ...” Thomas’s voice broke, and he pulled back. Alex looked at him properly for the first time. He had deep bags under his eyes, and his hair was rumpled and frizzed. He reached out a hand to wipe the tears under his eyes, and Thomas leant into the touch, covering Alex’s hand with his

“Everyone’s stopped by.” He said. “They all want to see you. But you’ve been asleep.”

“For how long?”

“Almost two days.”

“You look like you haven’t slept.”

“I haven't.” He admitted. “I was too worried.” Alex gaped.

“You haven’t...Thomas, you need to take care of yourself.”

“Says you.”

“That’s different, I’m different, I don’t matter-” Thomas released Alex’s hand.

“Tell that to Peggy, who’s visited three times today. Or Eliza, who cried when she saw you like this. Or Angelica, who’s probably the reason Madison’s nose is broken. Or Herc and Laf, who took the first flight they could from France.” He groaned.

“I didn’t want that, I didn’t want to be a burden-”

“And you’re not. But we’re worried. We all love you and we all want to see you get better.” Alex closed his eyes.

“I never meant...” He couldn’t seem to get the rest of the sentence out, his voice thick with emotion. Instantly, all Thomas’s anger evaporated. 

“I know.” He murmured. Alex started crying at this.

“I-just-w-wanted it to be o-over.” He hiccoughed. Thomas sat down next to him pulling him into a hug. He stroked his hair gently, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

Eventually, they fell asleep on the hospital bed together, Alex’s head on Thomas’s chest.

 

“What a kodak moment.” Thomas’s eyes shot open. Herc and Laf were in the doorway, smiling slightly. Alex stirred a little.

“Alex.” Thomas said. “Wake up, okay? Come on.” Alex sighed sleepily, and opened his eyes, sitting up.

“Oh...Herc? Laf? Why’re you...?” It took him a minute to remember where he was. “Oh.”

“Oui,  _ mon petit lion. _ ” Laf said. He let go of Herc’s hand to gently brush a strand of hair behind his ear. “We came as soon as we could.”

“I’m sorry.” Alex mumbled. “I didn’t mean for you to-”

“See my dearest friend in person again? You wound me,  _ mon ami.”  _ Alex sighed.

“Sorry.” He said again. Thomas squeezed his hand lightly. 

“How do you feel?” Herc asked, changing the subject.

“Horrible.” He admitted. “I’m thirsty and hungry and I have a headache.”

“I can go get you something to eat if you want.” Thomas suggested.

“That’d be great.” Alex said, with a brittle smile. Thomas smiled, and left to go find good. Laf took his spot next to Alex on the bed, while Herc sat at the foot. Laf wasted no time in pulling him into a warm hug, 

“I’m so sorry,  _ Mon petit lion. _ ” He said softly. It took all of Alex’s will not to start crying again.

 


	15. Leave me lonely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I just want to punch Thomas

About forty thousand hugs later, Laf and Herc left, and Alex sat back, exhausted.

“They’re my best friends, and I love them, but sometimes they’re  exhausting. ” Thomas nodded sympathetically.

“I know what you mean.” He took Alexander’s hand. “You’re shaking.” 

“I’m tired.” 

“Then go to sleep.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Why not?”

“I’ll have a nightmare.” Thomas carefully sat on the side of his bed, putting an arm around his shoulders. Alex rested his head on Thomas’s head, and Thomas stroked his hair.

“How did I survive?”

“I found you.” Thomas replied simply. “Just like last time. Luckily, I got to you just in time.”

“Yeah. Luckily.” He said sarcastically.

“Luckily for me.” Thomas said after a moment. 

Alex turned to look at him confused.

“What do you mean?” Thomas sighed.

“Contrary to what you believe, I don’t hate you, Alex. And you’re not a burden. You’re my best friend and I care about you so fucking much and if you died I don’t know what I’d do.”

“You’d be fine.”

“Yeah, if you call eating a bullet fine.” He replied. Alex winced.

“Don’t-”

“No, it’s the fucking truth. I’ve lost Martha. Apparently I've lost Madison. Don’t make me lose you too, Alex. If you care about me at all.”

“I do.” Said Alex. “I do care about you, way too much. That’s why I did it. You guys need to be able to carry on with your lives, to not constantly have to be fixing me. I did it because I love all of you, so so much. And I can’t stand hurting you.”

“But, Alex. You know how it feels. To be in my place. You  know  how it feels to be sitting next to the hospital bed, watching someone you love  die . How could you think that would be better?” He stood up. “You need to start actually caring about yourself. You need to try, damnit!” Thomas knew he should stop, should calm down, should try to think rationally.But he couldn’t. “I’m not just going to sit here and watch you waste away to nothing.” 

Alex watched in horror and disbelief as Thomas walked out the door, slamming it behind him

With shaking hands, he dialed Laf’s number.

“L-laf?”

“Oui? What is wrong,  mon petit lion ?”

“He’s g-gone!” Alex cried. “He w-walked out! A-and I know I shouldn’t be u-upset, because I wanted him out of my l-life so I couldn’t hurt him but he said he w-wasn’t going to leave!” There was a moment of silence.

“That  dickhead .” Herc growled. 

“We’re coming, Alex.” Lafayette said, and hung up.

 

“That bastard did  what?” Angelica screeched. Eliza glanced towards the backseat. 

“Eyes on the road, love.” Mariah said. “What’s happened?”

“I don’t fucking believe him.” Angelica seethed. “I swear to god, if I find him I will  end him. ” 

“Oui.” Laf said tiredly. “Let me know when you do find Thomas, because Alexander is in pieces. They had to sedate him, because he tried to pull out his IV line. He kept telling us to leave, before he hurt us too.”

“Shit. Alright. I'm on my way to find him.” She hung up.

“What’s wrong?” Eliza asked anxiously.

“I can’t come with you to the restaurant, tell Pegg I’m sorry. I have to go fucking murder Thomas Jefferson.” 

“I really hope you don’t mean that literally.” Eliza sighed. “Are you going to take a cab or do you want us to drive?”

“I'll take a cab. I need to drag him to the hospital and make him apologize.”

“Okay.” Eliza sighed. “Be careful, Ange, I'm not bailing you out of jail again.”

 

Angelica found Thomas laying in the floor of his apartment, an arm over his eyes.

“Laf told me what happened.” She said.“And-”

“I know.” He said before she could speak. “I’m a douchebag, and I had no right, and I upset Alex and now he probably thinks he was right about being a burden, and I shouldn't’ve said it. But I did. And I regret it massively. So please, just leave.”

“I didn’t come to yell at you. Well, I did, but you seem to know exactly what I was gonna say. But I’m only here to drag you back so you can apologize.”

“What?” 

“Alex was hysterical after you left, kept saying that we should all leave too and that he’d only end up hurting us like he hurt you. He’s unconscious now, the nurses had to sedate him after he tried to pull out his IV line.” Thomas groaned.

“I didn’t mean-” 

“Maybe that’s not how you meant it but that’s how he took it.”

“I just...I want him to care about himself. I want him to want to get better, you know?”

“Well, you’re not helping him by laying here on the ground.” He sighed, and sat up.

“Okay. I’m coming.”

 

Thomas hovered outside the door. Did he really want to go in? Did he really want to see Alexander’s face when he saw him? 

He couldn’t stand for Alex to hate him.

He pushed the door open gently. Alex was asleep, his dark hair splayed across the pillow. His face was thin and childlike. He looked younger, more vulnerable. Thomas sat down in the chair, gently taking his hand. Alex stirred, and opened his eyes blearily.

“Thomas?” He mumbled. “You’re back. So sorry.” Thomas smiled faintly.

“Yeah, I'm back. I'm sorry. I wasn’t angry at you. I was angry at myself for not being able to help more.” Alexander simply smiled. 

“Thomas.” He said again, and opened his arms widely. Thomas wrapped his arms around Alex, laying down next to him.

“Go back to sleep, ok?” He whispered, gently smoothing his hair back. “I’ll still be here in the morning. I promise.” Alex smiled again, and his eyes closed slowly. Thomas kept smoothing back his hair, lightly, humming something under his breath. He lightly placed a kiss on the top of Alex’s head.

“I love you.” He whispered into his hair.

His only answer was the steady beeping of the machine next to the bed.


	16. Lazy days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My Smol sons omg I can't  
> Angelica makes a reappearance because I fucking love Angelica  
> (Will Alex ever call Angelica anything other than Ange? Doubtful)

He woke to find Alex staring at him.

“Morning.” Thomas whispered.

“Morning. Alex replied with a small smile. Neither made an effort to move, too warm and comfortable in each other’s arms.

“I really am sorry. About last night. I shouldnt’ve left  like that.” Alex said nothing, but brought his hand up to rest it on Thomas’s cheek gently. 

Forgiveness...

Can you imagine?

Thomas brought up his hand to cover Alex’s, smiling.

“Wanna just lay here and watch Doctor Who all day?” Alex asked. Thomas laughed.

“Works for me. Lazy Doctor Who day it is then.”

“I think lazy Doctor Who days are the best kinds of days, don’t you?” Alex asked, smiling softly.

“Yeah.” Thomas agreed. “They are.” He pulled Alex closed closer to him, so Alex’s head was on top of his chest.

And for a moment, they could forget.

 

“Thomas.” Thomas looked up, recognizing the accent.

“Oh...hi, Laf.” He glanced at Alex, who was sleeping. He’d fallen asleep a couple hours before, they hadn’t even started the second season yet. It was only eight at night.

“I want to talk to you.” He sighed.

“Ok. Alex is sleeping, so let’s do this in the hall?”

Laf stormed out, and Thomas cringed. He followed him into the hallway, closing the door behind him.

“What the  fuck, Thomas.”

“I know. I’m a douche and I hurt him and it was my fault he was so upset and I'm a selfish, inconsiderate asshole.”

“Oui.” Lafayette said. “You may be my friend, Thomas, but Alex is a brother to me. I will not let you hurt him.”

“I know.” Thomas looked in at Alex, asleep in his bed. “I didn’t mean to hurt him. It’s just...it makes me so angry. He won’t fight. He’s given up on himself. Believe me, I would never hurt him intentionally. I...” Thomas swallowed. “I love him more than anything.” Laf still looked mad, but there was a hint of amusement.

“I know.”

“You do?”

“The two of you falling asleep in the same bed every night, curled up together, kind of gave me a hint.” He sighed. “You’d better tell him soon.”

“Why soon?”

“Because we’re all sick of the longing glances,  mon ami. ”

“I-We-I don’t-” Laf gave him a look, and he sighed. “Look. He doesn’t feel like that.”

“Thomas, anyone with eyes can see it.”

Not having anything to say, Thomas looked back through the window. Alex had woken up, and was looking around, confused.

“Shit.” Thomas mumbled. He stepped back into the room, Lafayette in tow.

“Sorry, I was just talking to Laf about something. I didn’t think you’d wake up.”

“S’okay.” He mumbled. “Laf, please don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad at you,  mon petit lion. ”

“I know. But Thomas is good. No being mad at Thomas.” Thomas chuckled.

“You’re still a bit out of it from the meds they gave you this afternoon. Go back to sleep, okay?” Alex nodded sleepily, and closed his eyes. Thomas stroked his hair gently. Laf sighed.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He turned towards the door. 

“Laf.” He turned a bit, to see Thomas. “I really didn’t mean it. I know it was out of line.”

“I know.” Laf smiled. “Goodnight,  mon ami. ”

 

“Why do they withhold their feelings like this?” Lafayette moaned. “It’s so frustrating!”

“They’re idiots.” Herc said simply, turning to look at him. Laf groaned, falling onto their bed beside him.

“We have to do something!” Herc groaned.

“Stop being such a drama queen, and shut out the light so we can sleep.” He sighed, but did as he was told.

“Je'taime, Herc.”

“Je’taime aussi, you drama queen.”

They were silent for a few moments.

“But why doesn’t Thomas just-” Hercules whacked him with a pillow.

“Go to  sleep. ”

 

“Alexander.” Alex winced. Even unintentionally, Angelica’s voice chilled him to the bone.

“Hi, Ange...” She sat down in the chair next to him.

“Where’s Thomas?” 

“He went to go get some lunch, I think. Why?”

“Good. I want to talk to you alone for a moment.” That didn’t sound good. 

“Uh...okay.”

“Why didn’t you say anything? How could you let me believe that you could be okay? You could’ve called, you could’ve texted, even. I would’ve been there.” He sighed.

“Ange...You couldn’t have done anything.” He took her hand, and squeezed it lightly. “You don’t owe the world. You don’t owe me. And you don’t need to save everybody.” 

“I can at least try to help you.”

“You did help, Ange. For a long time. But...not everything can be fixed.” She shook her head.

“I refuse to believe it. You can get better, Alex. You  can. And you will.” 

“Maybe.” He said with a small smile. “I have to, if I wanna meet little Angelica Junior.” He patted her stomach lightly, and she gasped.

“How did you...?” 

“Eliza had her suspicions after you “had the flu” for three weeks in a row, every morning. We meet for lunch, sometimes. It’s fun. How far along are you?” Angelica blushed.

“It’s early. I’m not even two months yet.” 

“So, are you gonna marry John?”

“Actually, he asked me to marry him about a month ago, before we even knew. I hadn’t got around to telling you.” 

“I’m so happy for you, Ange!” He motioned for her to hug him, and she did with a laugh.

“You can’t tell anyone about the baby, though. I only just told Eliza and Peggy.”

“Can I tell Thomas?”

“I have a feeling you will anyway.” She rolled her eyes. “But, Alex?”

“Hmm?”

“If you’re not alive to be this baby’s godfather, I will be  so pissed  at you.” 

“Me?” Alex squeaked. “You want  me to be godfather?”

“Well, duh. Who else?” Alex felt like he could cry, but this time from happiness. He hugged Angelica again, ecstatic.

“Um...What’d I miss?” Thomas asked, standing in the doorway with two coffees. 

“I’m gonna be a godfather!” Alex said, beaming. 

“Wow! Oh my god, that’s great! And congrats, Angelica.” She smiled warmly.

“Thanks, Thomas.” She cleared her throat. “Well, I should go. John is at home waiting for me, with Chinese takeout.” 

“Alright. Night, Ange.”

“Night, Alex. Bye, Thomas.”

“Goodbye, Angelica.” She pressed a kiss to the top of Alex’s head, and then she was gone.

“She’s gonna be a great mother.” Alex said. “I mean, look at all the practice she’s had. Me, Peggy, Eliza...” Thomas smiled.

“Sure. What do you think she’s going to name it?”

“Them.”

“Ok, ‘them’.” He shrugged.

“Who knows? Is one of those coffees mine.”

“Yup. Two sugars, extra cream. As always.”

“Thomas, you’re a godsend.” He took a sip and made a face.

“It tastes different.” Thomas sighed.

“I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. It’s decaf, the doctor doesn’t want to tax your heart unnecessarily.” Alex groaned.

“Ugh. Fine.” He pouted. Thomas had to resist the urge to hug him, tightly. Instead he rolled his eyes.

“Stop pouting. Where’d we leave off on Doctor Who?”

“Um, I think it was Tenants first Christmas special, with the sycorax.”

“Right, yeah.”


	17. Hello, John.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I cri every tiem.

“So. I have some exciting news.” Eliza said. Hamilton sat up, hand under his chin.

“Oooh. Is it something to do with  Mariah? ” He teased. She blushed.

“Yeah, actually. We’re moving in together.” Alex’s grin here even wider, and he tackle hugged Eliza.

“Aahhhhh! Finally!”

“I know, right!!”

“Calm down, children.” Thomas said. Alex stuck his tongue out at him.

“He’s just pissy because he has to go back to work tomorrow.”  

“I’m not  pissy .” Thomas said, sounding very pissy. “I’m just sleep deprived because  someone literally pushed me out of the bed last night.”

“Sorry.” Alex winced. “You know I didn’t mean to.”

“So you guys...sleep in that bed together a lot?” Eliza asked, amused.

Both men blushed a fiery shade of red.

“I get nightmares.” Alex mumbled. “And it’s more comfortable for him than the chair.” Thomas nudged him with his shoulder.

“Hey, cheer up. You get released next week.”

“Whoopee.” Alex said sarcastically. Eliza smiled.

“Well, I should get going. Mariah and I are going to Olive Garden.”

“Oooh,  fancy .” Alex teased. She blushed.

“Bye, Alex. Bye, Thomas.” She left, and Alex sat back, looking thoughtful.

“You ever look around and realize that everyone has moved forward without you? Moving in together, getting married, having kids. And I’m stuck in the same place I have been forever.” 

“Alex-”

“Sorry. Never mind.”

Thomas sighed.

“Have you taken your meds yet this afternoon?”

“Not yet, she hasn’t come by.”

“Well, maybe we should wait for that before having this conversation, okay?”

“Fine.” Alex agreed with a sigh. “Doctor Who?”

“Sure.” Thomas agreed. “Doctor Who.”

 

Blood. Blood everywhere. Pools of it, splatters. And in the middle...

“No.” Alex raced to his side frantically. “No, Thomas, stay with me. Please.” His eyes were blank and lifeless, his body cold. “Thomas.” He sobbed. “Thomas, please.” Suddenly, Thomas turned to him. “Th-thomas?” Blood trickled from the side of Thomas’s mouth as he spoke.

“Your fault.”

“What?”

“Your fault. 

“No, I-”

“Your fault.” He insisted. Your fault. Your fault. Your fault.”

“No.” Alex whimpered. ”No.”

“Alex? Alex?  Alex!” Alex opened his eyes abruptly, panicked. Thomas was next to him, his hands on Alex’s shoulders. With a strangled cry, he launched himself at Thomas, throwing his arms around him. He buried his face in Thomas’s neck.

“Hey, it's okay. It’s okay, Alex. What happened?” Thomas asked, stroking his hair lightly. Alex shook his head. “Okay.”  He said gently, still stroking Alex’s hair gently.

“Blood.” Hamilton sobbed. “Blood everywhere. And you-you were-” He shook his head, unable to finish his sentence.

“It’s okay.” Thomas said soothingly. “I’m right here. I’m okay, you’re okay, we’re both okay.” Alex only clutched Thomas more tightly. “ I’m here.’ Thomas whispered again. “I’m here, it's okay.” Slowly, his sobs decreased, until he was breathing normally again. He slowly untangled himself from Thomas, sitting back in the bed, keeping a tight grip on his hand.

“Sorry.” He whispered.

“Hey, that’s what I'm here for.” Thomas replied. “Try to get a bit more sleep, ok Alex?”

“Okay.” He yawned. “Night, Thomas.”

“Night, Alex.”

 

Alex tossed his pen in the air, catching it before it hit the bed. He was bored out of his mind. There was nothing for him to do, and nobody for him to talk to while Thomas was at work. Angelica had an ultrasound scheduled that day, Eliza and Mariah were going to visit Mariah’s family before Christmas, Herc and Laf were Christmas shopping, and Peggy was busy cramming for her midterms already. He hated being alone, hated the ever present silence in the air. No matter what he did, his thoughts strayed to wonder how everyone was doing, especially Thomas. 

He wondered if they’d let him go somewhere, and resolved to ask.

 

“Hey, John.” Alex said sheepishly. “It’s, um...it’s been a while.” He tried to smile around the lump in his throat, but it wouldn’t stay. He set the flowers down, gently, against the gravestone. “Yeah, I know it was stupid to bring flowers in the winter. They’re just gonna die when it snows again.” He swallowed hard. “It’s almost Christmas.” He said. “I remember how much you loved Christmas. You didn’t have a lot of family, but you still got a huge tree, and you made me, Laf, and Herc help. Peggs and Ange and Liza too. Even after you got sick. And we’d all sit under the tree, and you’d insist on passing out all the gifts, and forgot to open yours until we reminded you.” Alex chuckled a bit, tears flowing freely down his face. “It’s...harder, without you here. Laf and Herc have been in France, Angelica spent it with her sisters and her new husband. And well, I don’t really know anybody else, so...I just laid around all day, pretty much. It wasn’t really Christmas, I guess. Didn’t really feel like it anyways.” He shrugged. “I’ll probably do it again this year. I don’t really have anything else to do.” He sighed. “I...i miss you, John. I wish you were here. Or that I was...wherever you are. But I'm not supposed to think that. Thomas would be concerned. Oh yeah, remember Jefferson? Turns out he’s got a heart after all. Once you actually get to know him. He’s actually so nice and caring. And I don’t know why, but...I’m gonna treasure it as long as possible until he leaves.” He sighed. “I should go now. But I'll come back soon. Promise.” With a heavy heart, he stood up and started making his way back to the hospital.

 

Thomas was waiting when Alex got back. He pulled him into a big immediately.

“They told me where you were.” He said. “I would’ve gone to keep you company, but I figured you might want some privacy. You okay?” Alex nodded.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Thomas looked at him, disbelieving.

“Okay.” He said finally. “So how was your day?”

“Oh my god it was  so boring . Like, I thought I would actually physically die of boredom. I kid you not.” 

Thomas rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re such a drama queen.” His hand squeezed Alex’s lightly.

“Well, what did  you do today?” Alex challenged.

Alex listened as Thomas went off on a spiel about Washington and some paperwork, and Madison. 

“What are you smiling at?” Thomas finally asked, amused.

“Nothing, nothing. Continue.” 

He probably wouldn't admit it, but Alex had missed Thomas more than he thought possible.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am SO SORRY I SWEAR I MEANT TO UPDATE A LONG TIME AGO BUT FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS IVE HAD NO INTERNET ACCESS IM SO SORRY UGH  
> Anyways, here you are!

“What are you doing for Christmas?” Alex started, the question taking him by surprise.

“What?” 

“What are you doing for Christmas?” He repeated, chuckling a bit. 

“Oh. Uh, nothing, I guess. “

“Well, that’s unacceptable.”

“Uh-what?” Alex said, thoroughly confused.

“You’re coming home with me for christmas. It’s decided.” 

“Why?”

“Because my mom wants to meet you.” He paused. “Fair warning, though...she thinks we’re dating?” Alex went red.

“She-I-what? Why?” He managed.

“I dunno. She says I talk about you a lot. But like, she asks about my life, and I'm always with you since you’re my best friend? So yeah.” He sighed. “Please come? There'll be pie and cake and stuff and we might go caroling and we’ll probably decorate the tree?”

“Well...you know I can’t say no to pie.” Thomas grinned widely, and pulled Alex into a tight hug.

“You won't regret it!” He promised. “It’ll be great! You'll see!” Alex rolled his eyes.

“I can’t believe you’re dragging me all the way to Monticello.”

“Dragging?” Thomas snorted. “You just want pie.”

“True.” 

 

“Aaaaaaleeexxx! In honor of you getting out today, I got cake!” Thomas grinned. Alex grinned back, surprised.

“Wow.”

“And I also bought three cartons of ice cream and a ton of chips. Tonight, we’re gonna watch crappy movies and eat pizza till we throw up. Except hopefully we don’t actually throw up.” Alex grimaced.

“That would put a bit of a damper on it.” He agreed. “Can we make a pillow fort?”

“You always know just what to say.” Thomas teased. “Absolutely we can. Tonight is going to be the  best night ever .”

“Okay,  Laf . Tone it down just a bit.” Thomas rolled his eyes.

“Buzzkill. This is gonna be  great. ”

And Alex couldn’t argue with that.

 

He started regretting it somewhere around his sixth slice of pizza.

“Ugh. I'm never eating again.”

Thomas, who had eaten a whole pizza by that point, snorted.

“Sure.”

“I’m serious.” Alex said feebly. “Although...do you have ice cream?”

“Dude, when do I not have ice cream?” Thomas asked in reply, pausing the movie. “I got cookie dough, reeses, and...I don't remember what else, but there’s more.”

“Oh my god. I think I actually love you. No homo, though.” They both busted out laughing.

“Alex, you’re gay.” 

“I know. That’s what makes it so funny. Reeses, cookie dough, or black raspberry?”

“Ooh. Um, gimme Reeses.”

“You’re having rasberry.”

“Ugh, why.”

“Because the raspberry is the sorbet, which means it’s got no milk, and you’re lactose intolerance.”

“Ugh. I hate that you know that.” Thomas groaned. Alex sat back down next to him on the couch, with the two bowls of ice cream.“So much for never eating again.” Thomas teased. In response, Alex flipped him off.

“Shut up. I love this episode.”

 

“So...what do I need to pack to go to christmas with your family?” Alex asked sometime later. “Like, how hot is it gonna be down there? Ugh, do I need sunblock? You know I burn easily. Oh god, I’ve gotta get your parents gifts. I don’t need any fancy clothes, right?”

“Calm down.” Thomas laughed. “No, you don’t need fancy clothes. It’s gonna be fine if you don’t get them gifts. It’ll probably be between sixty or seventy degrees most of the time. And you won’t need sunblock unless you’re planning on going outside. And you literally never go outside, Alex.” Alex considered.

“Eh, better bring it just in case. Sorry for freaking out.” Thomas rolled his eyes.

“It’s fine. Hey, what time is it?”

“Um, like twelve thirty. We should probably go to sleep, we have work in the morning.”   
“I still don’t think you should be going.”

“Fight me, Thomas.”

 

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Thomas groaned.

“Alex.” He said, his voice raspy from sleep. He cleared his throat. “Alex.”

“M’up.” Came the groggy reply. Thomas sat up, rubbing his eyes.

“I call first shower.” He said, tiredly.

“Mhm.” Alex said, burying his face deeper in the pillows. Thomas whacked him with a pillow.

“Nice try, but it’s your turn to make breakfast.”

“Ugh.” With a sigh, he sat up. “Ok, ok. Go take your fucking shower.” Thomas disappeared from the bedroom, laughing, as Alex got out of bed. 

 

Burr could hear the voices in the elevator as it came up.

“I fucking told you that we were going to be late.”

“Well, if you hadn’t taken almost a half an hour in the shower...”

“I’m sorry, who made breakfast for us this morning?” 

Burr groaned to himself. Not another argument. He glanced at his watch, wondering if he had time to take the stairs. But then the elevator doors opened, to reveal Thomas and Alex inside. And they were...smiling? Hamilton looked on the verge of laughter. Puzzled, Burr stepped into the elevator.

“You guys are late, that’s not like you.” He said.

“Well, Thomas took forever eating breakfast.” Alex said, nudging Thomas’s arm.

“Uh, no, it’s because Alex took like twenty minutes in the shower.” Thomas said, lightly pushing Alex.

“I...see.” Said Burr, wondering how they could have come this far from hating each other. Just then, the doors opened. 

“I’ll see you later, Alex.” Thomas said, frowning. “I have to go write that thing I was telling you about for washington.”

“Ok.” Alex said. “I’ll bring some sandwiches by for lunch later.”

“That’d be great. See you.” The two men went their separate ways, and Burr shook his head. He walked off down the hallway, perplexed. 

 

“I think we confused Burr.” Alex said, walking into Thomas’s office. He set down two chicken ceaser salad wraps on the desk, and collapsed in the chair.

“Why do you think that?”

“Well, we used to hate each other.”

“I didn’t hate you.”

“You didn’t? I could’ve sworn you did.”

“No. I thought you hated me, though.”

“No. I just thought you had some pretty stupid ideas.”

“Oh.” They looked at each other in silence for a moment, then burst out laughing. Alex grabbed one of the wraps off his desk, unwrapping it. 

“Anyways, I think Burr was expecting us to fight. Like we used to.”

“Yeah.” Thomas was quiet. “Well I'm glad we’re friends now, at least.”

“Me too.” Alex said quietly. They made eye contact for a moment, and then Alex blushed and looked down at his wrap.

“Anyways,” he said changing the subject, “You hear about Donna?”


	19. Chapter 19

Alex closed his suitcase.

“Done.” He announced. Thomas sighed.

“That’s what you’ve said the past three times.”

“Yeah, but this time I mean it.”

“You’re sure you haven’t forgotten anything?” Thomas asked, amused.

“Positive.” Alex said confidently. “Mostly.”

“You have  everything. ”

“Yes.”

“Ok then. Let’s go!” Thomas cheered. He grabbed his suitcase and Alex’s suitcase, and walked out the door.

“Hey! Thomas, I can-I can carry my own suitcase!” He called after him.

“I know!” came the shouted reply. Alex rolled his eyes, and followed after him.

 

“So...anything I should know before I meet your family? Are they nice? Will they like me? Oh god, what if they hate me?” ono

“Chill, Alex.” Thomas rolled his eyes. “They’re gonna love you.” He took Alex’s hand and squeezed it lightly. “Oh, there’s the exit.” Alex squeezed his hand so tightly it should’ve left nail marks. Luckily, he’d bitten off all his nails hours ago. 

All too soon, they were pulling into a gravel driveway, lined with trees. Alex gaped, looking around. He’d had no idea Thomas was so well off. 

“You ready?” He asked, turning to face Alex. Alex shrugged.

“As I’ll ever be.” Thomas rolled his eyes, and opened his door. Alex swallowed hard, and exited the car.

Thomas’s mom met them at the door. She was a small, thin woman, with slightly thinning blonde hair.

“Hello, Thomas.” She said warmly, pulling him into a big. She turned to Alex. “And you must be the Alex I've heard so much about.” He nodded sheepishly, and she pulled him into a hug as well.

“It’s lovely to meet you, dear.”

“It’s nice to meet you as well, Mrs Jefferson.”

“Oh, please, call me Jane.” She said, smiling. Alex couldn't help but smile back.

“O-okay.” She beamed, and turned to walk into the house. Thomas nudged Alex’s shoulder.

“I told you.” He whispered triumphantly. Alex rolled his eyes, but grinned up at him. He looked up to see Thomas’s mom watching the whole exchange. She grinned at him, but led the way to the kitchen silently. 

“So, this is the kitchen. I'm making Shepherd's pie, I hope that's ok? If not, you’re always welcome to anything we have in the fridge.” 

“No, that’s fine, I love Shepherd's pie.” Mrs Jefferson beamed again. Alex got the sense that she did that a lot.

“Wonderful. Now, the bathroom is down there, and Thomas’s bedroom is right right this hallway. The spare bedroom is right across the hall, if you need it.” Thomas groaned.

“It’s not like that, Mrs Jefferson. I promise.” Alex said quietly. She winked at him, and he went red. 

“Well, I’ll leave you two to your unpacking. Dinner should be done in about an hour, and Darla might be a little late. She’s caught up at work.” He nodded.

“Ok.” There was a moment of silence between Alex and Thomas as she left.

“Sorry about that.” Thomas eventually said. “Sometimes she can be a bit...”

“No, she’s cool.” Alex replied. “She’s really nice.” Thomas smiled.

“So, where’s the guest bedroom?” Alex asked, changing the subject.

“Oh, it’s right through here.”  He opened a door down the hallway, and Alex walked in.

“Wow.” He breathed. “This room is literally bigger than my entire apartment.” Thomas shrugged, a bit self conscious.

“It’s okay then?” 

“It’s fucking amazing!” Thomas laughed.

“Well, I’m glad you like it.” He turned to go into his bedroom.

“Wait, wait up!” Alex ran forward to follow him.

“Ugh, why?”

“Because I want to see all of your embarrassing band posters.” Thomas groaned. 

“Fine.” He led the way to his room cautiously, anticipating Alex’s reaction.

“MCR? Oh my god, you were emo!”

“No-I-”

“So was I!” Thomas paused.

“You were?”

“Dude, I literally wanted to marry Gerard Way.”

“Oh my god, same.” Thomas laughed. “I actually cried when they broke up.

“I blasted I’m not okay I promise for days.” They were both quiet for a moment.

“So, how long have your mom and Darla been together? Alex asked, changing the subject. “You said a few years now?”

“Yeah. My dad died when I was fourteen, and then my mom met Darla when I was...eighteen, I think? I basically just think of her as my second mom. I'm not sure why they haven’t got married yet.” Alex nodded.

“And she’s...she’s nice? Will she like me, do you think?” 

“Alex, she’ll love you. It’ll be fine. Please, stop worrying.” Alex gave Thomas a small smile, unable to shake his insecurity. 

“Boys!” They heard from downstairs. “Darla’s here!” Thomas took Alex’s .

“Come on.” 

 

Darla was a thin, glamorous woman, with purple hair and long nails. She wore her age gracefully, in the laugh lines around her eyes, and the wrinkles around her mouth.

“Hi, Thomas.” She said. “Hello, Alex. It’s lovely to meet you.” 

“You too.” He said shyly, sticking out his hand to shake. She rolled her eyes and pulled him into a hug, just as Mrs Jefferson had. 

“You’re just in time, love. Supper’s done.” Mrs Jefferson smiled. 

“Oh, you’re a godsend.” Darla kissed her quickly, and set her bag down. “I’ll cook tomorrow, . What are we having?”

“Sheperd’s pie, Thomas’s favorite.”

“Oh, great! I love Sheperd’s pie!” She disappeared into the kitchen.

“We’d better get in there before she eats the whole thing.” Mrs Jefferson said, rolling her eyes.

 

“So, Alex, how long have you two known each other?” Darla asked curiously.

“Well, we've actually worked together for two years, but we’ve only been friends for a little less than a year.”Thomas replied.

“Oh. Why weren’t you friends before?”

“Well, I thought Thomas was arrogant and flashy.”

“I thought Alex was overdramatic and indecisive.” The two shared a look, smiling.

“In fairness, I was pretty flashy.”

“And I’m still overdramatic and indecisive. But...” Alex shrugged. “We were able to look past it.”

“Well, I’m glad about that.” Mrs Jefferson said, smiling. 

“Me too.” Thomas and Alex said in the same breath.

 

Alex flopped down on his bed with a sigh.

Logically, he knew he and Thomas couldn’t share a bed here. Especially when his mom already thought they were dating. But he couldn’t deny that he missed the warmth of another person.

No, you miss Thomas. His logical side said.

Shut up. His emotional side helpfully supplied.

Alex groaned, burying his face in a pillow.

 

The wind was deafening. It ripped through the trees, pushed him down. The rain pelted his skin relentlessly, soaking him, chilling him to the bone.

“Mama!” He cried in fear. “Mama!” 

His mama had been dead for years.

He curled up, quivering.

Then the rain turned warm.

He lifted his face to it, opened his mouth.

He got a mouthful of blood.

And the skies were red and unforgiving and the blood kept coming down, staining the earth, staining him, drowning him in blood-

He woke up, tears running down his cheeks, sobbing. Outside, rain poured down torrentially, and lightning flashed.

The thunderclap came then, and he jumped, pulling his blankets over his head.

Thomas…

Shakily, he got out of bed, and left his room, careful that the door didn’t squeak. He hesitated in front of Thomas’s door, and then knocked gingerly.

“What?” The groggy reply came. He carefully pushed open the door, as Thomas was sitting up. Thomas took one look at him, and held his arms out. Alex ran into them, clinging tightly to Thomas. He buried his face in the crook of his neck, trembling. 

“Shhh. It’s okay. The storm?” Alex nodded. Thomas, of course, knew all about the hurricane that had destroyed Alex’s town.

“It gave me a nightmare.” He said after a moment. “I was back there, back in Nevis, and I was in the hurricane again, and the rain turned to blood.” Thomas tightened his hold, resting his chin on top of Alex’s head. 

And if they fell asleep together, well, who had to know but them?


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I love these two so much like you have no idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to post this yesterday, sorry! I wish I had some excuse but honestly I just forgot oops

They shuffled into the kitchen like zombies the next morning, barely awake. Darla, sipping a coffee, looked at them in sympathy.

“Storm keep you guys up? I don't blame you. How’s anybody supposed to sleep through that? Anyways, coffee?”

“Oh my god, please.” Alex said. Darla smiled, and poured him a cup. “Thomas, any for you?”

“He doesn’t like coffee.” Alex said.

“I don’t like coffee.” Thomas said at the same time. They both started laughing, and Darla rolled her eyes fondly. 

“Something funny?” They turned to see Mrs Jefferson smiling. 

“Nah, nothing. Morning mom.” Thomas said.

“Morning, Jane. Do you want some coffee, love?” Darla asked.

“God yes. I didn’t get any sleep.” She sighed.

“I know. We were up together.” Darla winked, and Thomas covered his ears.

“Leaving leaving leaving don't need to hear this.” Alex giggled as Thomas practically ran out.

“Wow. That’s the fastest I've ever seen him move.” Alex giggled. 

“Oh, you should've seen his face when I mentioned that I was having really bad cramps because of my period.”

“Oh, that must've been priceless.” Alex agreed. 

“Anyways, you boys are in charge of making the christmas cookies tonight.We’ll be decorating the tree later today, once Sally, Thomas’s sister, gets here. Perhaps Christmas eve is a bit late to decorate the tree, but oh well.” Alex laughed.

“Just a bit late. But who cares, right? It’s Christmas!”

“Exactly!” Darla and Mrs Jefferson said at the exact same time. Thomas poked his head through the door.

“Is it safe to come back in?”

He took their peals of laughter as a yes.

 

“Thomas!” A young woman stepped out of the red car, smiling broadly.

“Sal!” Thomas replied, stepping forward to embrace her. “I haven’t seen you in forever! How is Cali?”

“Hot.” She answered with a laugh. “But I'm not the only one who wants to see you.” She opened the car door to pick up a little girl, who looked to be about three. Her dark, frizzy hair was nearly braided in a long plait that trailed down her back. 

“Kenzie!” The girl grinned widely, and held her arms out. Thomas scooped her up and tickled her, sending her into fits of laughter. Once she’d calmed down,she rested her head on his shoulder, her legs locked around his waist. She peeked out shyly at Alex, who gave her a small wave, smiling. 

“Alex, this is my sister Sally,” She gave him a wave, “and her daughter, my niece, Kenzie.”

“Hello, Sally. Hi, Kenzie.” Kenzie started squirming in Thomas’s arms, until he set her down with a laugh. She ran to Alex and clung to his leg tightly, grinning.

“Oh.” Alex said, surprised.

“Huh. Took her months to warm up to me.” Thomas snorted.  Alex shrugged, a bit confused.

“I don’t know why.” Sally chuckled.

“Come here Kenzie, you’re bothering Alex.”

“Oh, no, she’s fine.” Alex said. She loosened her hold on him, and held up her arms so Alex would pick her up. With a small laugh, he did, and she laid her head on his shoulder, sticking her thumb in her mouth resolutely. 

“Oh, that’s why she’s being so quiet. She’s usually such a chatterbox.” Thomas remarked.

“Yeah, she just woke up a few minutes ago. Come on, let’s go inside.” 

 

Kenzie was asleep before they even made it to the front door.

“Oh, dear.” Mrs Jefferson sighed. “Poor things all tired out. Well, lay her on the couch there.” Alex gently set her down, placing a pillow underneath her head. 

“There.” He whispered. “Come on, we've gotta make the Christmas cookies. She can help frost them when she wakes up.” Thomas nodded, and they quietly walked to the kitchen, 

“You’re lucky she’s so tired. Once she wakes up you’ll wish kids came with a mute button.” Thomas chuckled, pulling out the ingredients.

“Nah. She’s adorable.” He smiled slightly. “She’s great. Where’s your butter?”

“There. Yeah, well, don’t expect to get any sleep tomorrow morning.”

“Who sleeps on Christmas?” Thomas shrugged.

“Not children. But I forgot that you’re a child anyways.” He traded. Alex stuck his tongue out.

“I’ll show you childish.” He grabbed a handful of flour and chucked it at Thomas. Thomas blinked in surprise. Alex gulped. 

And got a faceful of baking powder.

“It’s on.”

“Bring it.” When Mrs Jefferson walked into the kitchen five minutes later, they were both shrieking with laughter. They were both covered in baking powder and flour. Thomas’s shirt was stained with butter. Alex had egg in his hair. And there was milk everywhere.

“Having fun?” She asked, amused. The laughter died instantly, and they looked at each other with guilty faces.

“Uh...sorry, Mrs Jefferson.” Alex said guiltily. “We’ll clean it all up.”

“It’s Jane.” She said with a laugh. “And you’d better, I still want cookies. Now clean this up, and make sure to get yourselves cleaned up too. Though I'm sure raw egg is good for your hair.”  She 

left with a chuckle.

Alex and Thomas looked at each other, and burst out laughing.

“Very nice egg, Alex. It goes well with the flour.”

“Oh, thank you. That butter complements your baking soda well.” Alex replied.

“How...Alex, you have  chocolate  on your cheek.” Thomas said, perplexed. Alex eyed the chocolate frosting guiltily, and Thomas rolled his eyes.

“We’re not going to have anything left to decorate the cookies with!” He reached out his hand, and carefully wiped the chocolate away with his thumb, but really only succeeding in smearing it. 

He didn’t move his hand.

Alex couldn't help but lean into his touch. He hadn’t realized how close they were. He could feel Thomas’s breath ghosting over his chin lightly, making him shiver. If he moved upwards, just slightly...

And then the kitchen door opened.

They jumped apart quickly, busting themselves tidying. Sally walked in, took one look at the kitchen, and turned right back around. Alex glanced at Thomas, a smile playing on his lips, and that was enough to set them both off laughing again.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy happy fluffy fluff. Definitely no angst here...none at all...*smirks*

When at last they were both clean, the kitchen was immaculate, and the cookies had been baked, Darla brought out a large box of ornaments.

“I wanna see! I wanna see!” Shouted Kenzie, jumping up and down.Thomas shot Alex a look that clearly said  _ told you so. _

“I’m opening it, I'm opening it!” Darla said, laughing. Kenzie bounced up and down impatiently as Darla lifted the lid off. “There.” 

“Wow!” She breathed. “They’re so shiny!” They all laughed at that.

“Come on, let’s get them on the tree.” Thomas said. 

“Ooh! Ooh! I wanna do it!”

“Which ornament, sweetie?” Sally asked. Kenzie stuck her chin out.

“ALL of them.” 

Finally, three broken ornaments and one tantrum later, the tree was decorated. 

“Here, let me help you.” Thomas said, carefully lifting Kenzie so she could place the star on top of the tree.

“Thanks, unca Thomas!” She giggled. 

“Okay, I think it’s time for a certain lift princess to be to bed.” Sally said, 

“Awwww! But-”

“Hey, the sooner you go to sleep the sooner Santa will come.” Alex reminded her. She sighed.

“Okay. Night gramma, night grammie. Night unca Thomas. Night unca Alex.” Alex’s jaw flopped open as Kenzie took her mom's hand to pull her to the bedroom, so she could get ready for bed.

“I-I'm not...” Alex started weakly. Thomas shot him a look that said ‘drop it’. 

“Wanna watch how the Grinch stole christmas?” Thomas asked Alex after a moment. Alex shrugged.

“Original or Jim Carrey?”

“Jim Carrey, he’s hilarious.”

“Yeah, fair enough. Sure.” Alex replied.

And that was how they found themselves lying on Thomas’s bed, half asleep, watching Jim Carrey make a fool of himself.

 

“UNCA ALEX! UNCA THOMAS!”

“Kenzie, wait-” Sally called. A small body jumped on the bed, making both men wake up. Alex quickly untangled himself from Thomas, aware of Sally smirking in the doorway.

“We fell asleep watching a movie.” Alex said in explanation. She raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.

“It’s Christmas!” Kenzie yelled, happily oblivious. Alex grinned happily, forgetting all earlier embarrassment.

“You’re right! Come on, Thomas!” Alex whacked him with a pillow. “Get up! It’s  _ christmas! _ ” Thomas groaned, lifting his face from the pillow, about to complain.

But there was a spark in Alex’s eyes, the kind he hadn’t seen in awhile. His whole face radiated joy.

“Okay, okay. I’m coming!” He rolled his eyes.

“Yeah!” Kenzie and Alex cheered. 

“Hey, Kenzie. I bet we can beat him out there!” Alex said in a fake whisper. He scooped Kenzie into his arms, and she wrapped her legs around his waist.

“Oh no, you don’t!” Thomas replied. Kenzie and Alex took off, Thomas hot on their heels.

“Be careful!” Sally called, laughing. 

Alex was smaller, and faster than Thomas, but Thomas had the advantage of physical fitness, and not having to carry a three year old. They made it to the living room at about the same time, breathing hard. Kenzie was shrieking with laughter.

“Again! Again!” She yelled, tugging on Alex’s hair. The two men looked at each other, and started laughing. Alex set Kenzie down gently.

“Not right now, it’s time for presents, okay?” She pouted for a moment, but immediately cheered up when presents were mentioned.

“Yeah!” Alex glanced over to the couch, where Mrs Jefferson and Darla were already sitting, looking highly amused.

“Just as soon as your mom gets out here, okay?”

“I’m here, don’t worry.” Sally said, walking through the door right on cue. “Let’s see what santa brought, huh?”

Kenzie abandoned most of her presents the moment she saw the Barbie Dreamhouse santa had brought her, playing happily while the others opened their gifts. Alex was touched beyond belief when he opened his gift from Mrs Jefferson and Darla, which was a soft red sweater, that was slightly big on him (the way he liked them) and a small, black journal with lined pages and plain white pages, bearing his name in silver cursive on the front cover.

“Thank you!” He said, beaming. He’d gotten Mrs Jefferson a berry scented bath bomb (Thomas had mentioned how much he loved them) and a new cookbook. Darla he’d gotten some simple but nice earrings, and a book about art.

Alex couldn’t help but feel emotional when he received his present from Thomas, a copy of all works by Edgar Allan Poe and a silver watch with a picture of John’s smiling face in the small compartment. 

“Thank you, so much.” He said around the lump in his throat, reaching forward to hug him. Thomas carefully fastened the watch around his wrist, fingers lingering a little too long. He squeezed his hand gently before letting go, a silent comfort.

Alex’s present to Thomas was a  silky purple scarf, which Thomas swore he would wear every day, and a book that came with a story behind it.

“The first time I met Thomas,” he explained, “I was new to the company. I was some snot nosed kid, not even 21 yet, thought I was some genius.” He snorted. Thomas opened his mouth to object to the self deprecation, but Alex held up a finger. “So, I knock on his door, and he’s all ‘Who dares disturb my slumber?” Thomas rolled his eyes.

“I believe my exact words were ‘come in’.”

“Possibly. Anyways, I walk in, and he’s sitting at his desk, typing away. And he looks up to see me, and he’s like ‘How old are you? I thought we didn’t hire under eighteens.” So I had to tell him I was twenty. He just looks at me for a moment and he hands me this book, and he said, “Here, in case you need something to stand on when you’re talking to people, so you can look them in the eye.” And I said-”

“Don’t worry, I’ll just stand on your overinflated ego.” Thomas laughed. “Sorry. I was a bit of a dick.”

“Nah, it’s fine. Anyways, here’s your book back. I kept it for a while, partly out of spite and partly because...well, you’re the one who gave it to me.” They both blushed at that, smiling bashfully. “Anyways,” Alex cleared his throat. “Are there any more presents?” Darla smiled nervously. 

“Actually, there is one more for Jane.” Curious, Alex looked over. There weren’t any more presents under the tree. Darla carefully reached into the pocket of her dressing gown, to pull out a small black box. Everyone gasped as she got down on one knee. Except Jane, who seemed frozen, her hands over her mouth. 

“Jane.” Darla said, opening the box to reveal the ring. “It’s not always been easy. And it probably won’t always be easy in the future. But...it’ll be better if you’re by my side. That’s where I belong, I think. Right next to you. And I want to stay there forever. So, please...will you marry me?”

“Yes, yes, ohmygod, of course yes!” She practically threw herself off the couch in to Darla’s arms, the two of them both crying. Alex had to turn away for a moment, to hide his own tears. Sally was already happy crying, grinning through it. Thomas’s eyes glistened suspiciously.

And Kenzie sat obliviously playing with her dollhouse. When everyone went quiet though, she looked around, then walked over to Alex. She sat down in his lap, putting a hand on his cheek.

“Why are you sad?” He smiled.

“I’m not,” he said thickly. “I’m really, really happy.” That seemed to satisfy her, and she leaned back to rest her head in Thomas’s lap, laying horizontally across the two of them. He rolled his eyes, and started playing with her hair gently.

“I think someone got up a little too early...” Alexander murmured. Thomas nodded in agreeance.

“Kenzie, honey, come here. Don’t bother your uncles.” Sally said, smiling.

“She’s not bothering us.” They said simultaneously. Nevertheless, Kenzie got up, and curled up in her moms lap, resting her head on Sally’s shoulder. 

The day was quiet after that, Kenzie and Sally slept for a few more hours, Darla and Jane went out, and Thomas and Alex laid in Thomas’s room watching old movies. When they emerged, hours later, it was already dark. 

“Oh, hello boys.” Jane said, smiling at them. “I’m just making dinner now, we’re having pasta.”

“We thought you’d gone to sleep.” Darla said, laughing. 

“We were just watching crappy old movies.” Thomas replied, rolling his eyes.

“Excuse you, ghostbusters is  _ not _ a crappy movie.” Alex frowned. 

“Did you two get a chance to see the lights outside last night?”

“Um, no, actually.” Alex replied. He grabbed Thomas’s arm. “We have to see the christmas lights! Come on come on come  _ on _ !”

“Okay, okay!” Thomas laughed. “You’re as bad as Kenzie.”

“Ha, Kenzie is adorable, I take no offense to that.” He pulled on his shoes and stepped outside, Thomas following behind. They stood back, admiring the lights. Alex shivered slightly.

“Why didn’t you put your coat on?” Thomas sighed. He shrugged out of his coat, draping it over Alex’s shoulders. Alex glanced up at him, a soft smile playing on his lips. Thomas froze. The lights reflected off of him, softly glowing. They illuminated his face gently, and made his hair and eyes shine.

He’d never seen anything more beautiful. 

Too late, he realized he was staring. But for some reason, Alex was staring back, and he couldn’t bring himself to care. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world to reach out and gently brush a piece of hair behind Alex’s ear, to rest his hand on the back of his neck. To bring his other hand up to rest on his cheek.

It seemed like the easiest thing in the world to kiss Alex.

So, he did. He kissed him, gently, softly, as the lights twinkled around them, snowflakes falling gently in their hair.

And then they pulled away. For a moment, he was still caught up in the dreamlike trance. He didn’t notice the slight widening of Alex’s eyes in panic.

“Thomas...” Alex said in a strangled voice that hit him like a sucker punch to the gut. Thomas’s mouth fell open.

“I...I...” He said lamely.

And then Alex was running, down the driveway, down the road, past where Thomas’s eye could see.

And Thomas stood frozen, watching him leave. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA IM SORRY BUT IM ALSO NOT SOOOOOO


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, you thought you hated me before....  
> (I was gonna wait to publish this but I felt a bit bad...but trust me, you're about to hate me even more)

“One ticket for new New York city please.” He said, handing her the money. She nodded, and handed him his ticket.

“Have a nice night.”

“You too.” He replied, walking away.

Alex was a runner. He’d always been. He’d run when his mother died and he’d run after the hurricane and he’d run when John died. And now he was running from Thomas, who was one of maybe five people who still cared about him.

Thomas had kissed him, and his brain had short circuited. He’d been happy, content. And then reality set in, like a slap in the face.

Thomas was good, and nice, and kind. Alex couldn't bear for Thomas to be saddled with him. He was nothing but a useless fuckup. He’d only hurt Thomas. He already had, time and time again. He couldn’t do that to Thomas. He couldn’t strap Thomas to a live bomb. 

And he had a full eight hour train ride ahead of him to think about it.

 

Angelica met him at the train station, wearing her concerned face.  A face often worn around me, he thought.

“What the hell happened? Do I need to kick Thomas’s ass?” He’d sent her a brief text earlier, telling her when he’d be getting in and asking her to pick him up. 

“No.” He said, too tired to go into detail. She grabbed his arm to stop him walking past.

“Well, something's obviously happened.” She said. He sighed.

“He kissed me. Are you happy now?”

“I...he kissed you? And you...didn’t want him to?”

“No, it’s not that.”

“Then I think I'm failing to see the problem.”

“The problem, Ange, is that I'm a major fuckup, and he doesn’t deserve that. I've hurt him enough.” Ange groaned.

“So basically, your self loathing is the only thing getting in the way.” Alex sighed.

“Can we do this later, Ange? I’m tired.”

“Probably because you just took an eight hour train ride to run away from your feelings.” Alex groaned.

“I’m not running away from my feelings.”

“No, you’re running away from Thomas. Because you can’t deal with the fact that he loves you.”

“Because I don’t want him to end up as fucked up as me! Because I don’t want to hold him back from achieving everything he wants! Because nobody wants to love a live bomb, Ange. He’ll just get hurt when I explode again, and I  will .” He glared at her through his tears. “I’m doing this  for Thomas.” 

“And how exactly do you think you would react if Thomas did this to you? Ran back to New York after you’d kissed him?” Alex froze, remembering his days in the hospital, and the razor hidden under his mattress.

“He’ll be fine.” 

“Will he?” She paused. “Will  you? ” 

“ Yes. ” She looked at him, not saying anything. Eventually, she sighed, and started walking, leading the way to the car.

 

Thomas was laying in bed when he got the call. 

He most certainly was  not moping. And he definitely hadn’t been crying. He was simply tired. He glanced down at his phone screen, not daring to hope it was Alex.

Angelica?

“Hello?” He said, wincing at the hoarse, unused sound of his voice.

“Hi, Thomas. Did I wake you?”

“No.” He said honestly. He glanced at the clock.  3:24 A.M.  “Is something wrong?”

“No. I just wanted to let you know that Alex is back home. I met him at the train station.”

“Oh. Okay.”  At least he’s safe .

“He told me what happened. I just thought you needed to know...he’s not rejecting you. Not really. He’s scared, and he’s worried that he’s going to fuck everything up, or hurt you. I think his exact words were ‘I don’t want to strap him to a live bomb, I can’t hurt him again’. So just...don’t give up hope. He’s in a bad place. He’s staying at my place, says he can’t go back to yours, and his lease is up.” Thomas swallowed hard. He’d forgotten about that. Alex had been planning on moving in with Thomas officially right after this vacation.

“Oh.”

“I’m worried about him, Thomas. Could you just...could you just come back? Let him know he’s being stupid?” Thomas swallowed hard.

“He doesn’t want to see me, Angelica.” He heard Angelica sigh.

“I wish the two of you would get your heads out of your  asses  and see that being apart? Is not helping either of you!” She hung up, and Thomas tossed his phone across the bed. There was a knock on his door.

“Thomas?” Jane asked. “Is everything all right?” 

He didn’t answer

  
Thomas didn’t sleep that night. His bed was too big and too cold.

Neither did Alex.

 

Ring. Ring. Ring.

“Yeah?” Thomas said tiredly. “Look, Angelica, if you’re gonna try to convince me to come back again-”

“It’s Alex. He’s in the hospital again.”

 

Thomas burst through the door, seeing Angelica in the waiting room. She stood to hug him.

“What happened?” He asked. 

“Earlier this morning, I came into the kitchen, and he was unconscious on the floor. Obviously I called 911. He’s dehydrated, suffering from malnourishment, and severely sleep deprived. And...” She sighed. “They found self harm scars. New ones.” Thomas sat down hard in his chair.   
“Oh my god.” He said. “I’m so fucking stupid.” 

“I’ve called Liza, and Laf. And Liza called Peggy, and Mariah. I’m sure Laf told Herc. That’s everyone, right?” Thomas shrugged. He couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. The world was swimming in front of his eyes. “Breathe, Thomas. He’s going to be fine.” Thomas nodded, and buried his face in his hands. “When was the last time you even slept?” He shrugged.

“I just...can’t sleep.”  Not by myself. Not in that huge empty bed.

“Jesus. You two never take care of yourselves. But then, I guess that’s why you need each other.”

They were silent for a long time. When everyone else got there, there were hugs all around.

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this!” Eliza joked, when she saw Thomas. He smiled back at her, despite both of them having teary eyes. A moment later, the doctor came out.

“Are you all here for Mr Hamilton?”

“Yes.” “Yeah.” “Uh-huh.” They all chorused.

“I see. He is stable, and able to have visitors, but he is still asleep.” They all nodded, and followed the doctor to Alex’s room silently. 

Thomas nearly cried when he saw Alex. 

He was pale, and emaciated, his cheekbones sticking out like knives. Thomas could almost see his ribs through the hospital gown. There were deep, deep shadows underneath his eyes. He looked...

He looked like he used to, like he looked the night this all started, the night he tried to kill himself.

He heard gasps from the others, and murmurs.

“...hasn’t been this bad in a long time...”

“Didn’t realize...”

“...so  thin ...”

Thomas said nothing. He reached out a hand to trace it along Alex’s cheekbone, and took his hand gently. His stomach dropped when he realized he could feel the bones. He hastily wiped a tear away before anyone could see it. He saw Alex murmur something, his voice too low for Thomas to make out the words.

“Alex?” Laf asked. Alex’s eyelids flickered. He opened his eyes blearily. 

“Wha...?” He asked, confused. “Where am I?”

“You’re back in the hospital, mon petit lion.” Laf said.

“What do you remember?” Angelica asked anxiously, sitting down beside him.

“Um. I-I was-” He ran his hand through his hair, and looked around the room. “Fuck.” He locked eyes with Thomas. “Fuck.” He said again. “This is fucking  exactly what I didn’t want. All of you, fucking putting your lives on hold for me. Fuck.” He yanked his hand away from Thomas, to bury his face in his hands. “You guys always have to fucking drop everything, because fucking Alex is having another fucking crisis. You guys don’t fucking need this.” His voice cracked, and his shoulders started shaking. 

“Alex.” Thomas said, resting his hand on Alex’s shoulder. “You know we don’t think that.”

“We’ll be here for you, no matter what.” Herc added.

“Yeah, that’s the fucking problem.” Alex said, laughing bitterly. And then, before any of them could react, he yanked on his IV, trying to pull it out. Immediately they all rushed forward, stopping him. 

“Someone, get a fucking nurse!” Thomas yelled. Mariah darted out, and came back with a nurse holding a syringe. She carefully injected it into his arm, and he went limp. Thomas sat back, feeling sick to his stomach.

“My god.” He managed in a strangled voice. Everyone nodded in agreement.

It was all that could be said just then. 


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I keep forgetting to out trigger earnings up somebody yell at me next time.  
> Trigger warning for mentioned self harm

Everyone went home not too long after that. It wasn’t that they didn’t want to be there, more a mutual agreement that it would be better if there were less people when Alex woke up.

Thomas stayed.

Of  course Thomas stayed.

How could he leave, after everything that had happened? 

How could he leave the man he loved laying in a hospital bed by himself?

And so when Alex woke, Thomas was curled up at his side, resting his head on Alex’s shoulder. 

After everything. Alex thought bitterly. I try to kill myself, twice, I reject him, I run away...and he still wants to be here??wants to be here. God, why does he have to be so fucking loyal? This would be so much easier.

“Alex?” Thomas mumbled. “I know you’re awake.” Thomas sat up.

“How are you?” He asked quietly.

“Fine.” Thomas nodded. 

“Okay.” He hesitated, looking like there was something he wanted to say. “I...”

Thomas had never been this quiet around him, this hesitant. Like he was scared of saying the wrong thing? “I just...I just wanted to know why you left.” Alex kept his face carefully devoid of any emotion.

“Because I needed to think.”

“About what?”

“How I was going to reject you.” There was an awful, overbearing silence. “I don’t like you, Jefferson. I barely tolerate you. And I think it’s time you left.” Thomas blinked.

“Oh.” He scrambled, hurrying to get off the bed. “Right, then.” And Alex hated this, hated the way his jaw quivered, hated the misery in his eyes, hated that voice break. It’s for the best.  “I’ll-I’ll just, uh...” He shook his head, and left, closing the door quietly. 

It’s for the best. Alex reminded himself. It’s for him.

So why did he feel like he was going to cry?   
  


Thomas twirled the small razor around his fingertips. 

He wouldn’t do it. Not anymore.

The problem was that blood reminded him of Alex, lying in a pool of it in his office, and razors reminded him of Alex, sitting beside his bed that night he’d called Thomas, and even just the thought of it reminded him of Alex. Every fucking thing reminded him of Alex.

How had he let him become so intertwined in his life? How had everything in his life become impossibly associated with him?

He tossed the razor onto the ground.

 

“You look like hell.” Burr greeted him the next morning. “You’re not in the hospital with Hamilton?”

“No.” Thomas said shortly, and moved to walk past him.

“Did you guys have a fight or something?” Burr asked, blocking him.

“Oh, since when have you cared about anything other than yourself? Butt out.” This time, Burr let Thomas pass, shaking his head. He’d have to warn Washington. Then again, if those two were fighting again, the whole building would know soon enough.”

 

“So you told him you didn’t like him.”

“Yes.”

“And that you barely tolerate him.”

“Yes.”

“And that you wanted him to leave.”

“Yes.”

“And you called him Jefferson.”

“Yes.” Alex sighed.

“Damn it, Alex.” Angelica groaned. “I get that you’re hurting, and you’re doing what you think is best, and your self worth is at an all time low. But, really?”

“I know, I know.” Alex cringed. “But, he’ll be fine, he’ll get over it.” 

“Would you?” The question caught him off guard.

“That’s different.”

“How?” He was silent for a moment.

“I love him, Ange.” He said in a small voice. She sighed, her anger dissipating.

“I know, hon. I know.” She pulled him into a hug, as he started to shake with sobs. “Maybe you should be telling  him that.”

“No. It’s better this way.” Alex said, like a mantra. “This is better.”

 

“Thomas.”

“Yes, sir?” Thomas cringed. Washington looked at him, long and hard.

“I seriously hope you and Alexander aren’t fighting again.”

“No, we’re not.” Thomas sighed. “Well, not exactly. I mean, he hates me. But that’s...that’s nothing new.”

“No, he doesn’t.” Washington sighed. “Dismissed, Thomas.” He nodded, and left Washington’s office, closing the door quietly behind him. With a groan, Washington opened his email, to request him in his office. He needed to find out what was going on. If Thomas and Alex were fighting again, it could be disastrous.

 

“Mon ami. How are you?” Laf asked, pulling Alex into a hug. 

“I’m fine, Laf.” He sighed. “No Herc?”

“Not today.” He confirmed. “I thought we could walk through the hospital gardens.”

“I...It’s cold outside.” Alex said, looking up at Laf. He would’ve argued against it, but he was too tired.

“Okay.” Lafayette said, a bit surprised. “Then, would you like me to stay here with you? We could watch TV.”

“I...” Alex hesitated. “I would like that. Thank you, Laf.”

 

The problem was, Alex reflected, that Doctor Who reminded him too much of Thomas. Hell, the bed he was in reminded him too much of Thomas. The whole fucking hospital reminded him of Thomas, for gods sake!

And so it was that Laf had to help him through another panic attack that afternoon. 

“Thomas.” He mumbled.

“I know, mon ami.” Lafayette sighed. “You told Thomas to leave though.”

“I miss him.” 

“Then you should ask him to come back.”

“No.” Alex said, his breathing speeding up again. “No, no, can’t, don’t make me-”

“Okay. Okay. You don’t have to talk to him.”

“Okay.” Alex agreed. “Better that way.”

 

“Have you called Thomas?” Eliza asked. “So many times.” Angelica said. “He thinks Alex hates him.”

“I’ve called too. He never answers.” Laf said, frowning.

“Even I’ve called.” Herc said.

“God, these two are idiots. Is Thomas at least doing all right?”

“He’s producing next to no work, he constantly has bags under his eyes, and he’s developed a strange habit of constantly pulling down his sleeve. Could mean nothing, but I doubt it.” Burr said.

“Remind me again who invited him?”

“He’s helping, Ange.” Eliza said. “Cut him some slack.” 

“Even Washington is worried.” Burr said. “Is Alex still in the hospital?”

“Yeah, until he stops trying to pull out his IV line, and consents to see a therapist.”  Angelica replied.

“We have to do  something. ” Eliza said, frustrated.

“Yeah, but what?” Laf asked.

Nobody had an answer.

 

“Thomas, it’s Angelica. Alex has been-” He rolled his eyes and deleted the voicemail.

“Bonjour, Thomas. It’s Laf.”  Delete.

“Hey, Thomas. It’s Burr.”  Delete.

“Thomas, it’s Herc. I-”  Delete.

“Thomas, it’s Eliza. I have an idea, okay, so please call me.” He paused. He knew he shouldn’t. No doubt whatever idea Eliza had would involve him seeing Alex in some capacity, and he didn’t want Alex to have to see someone he hated, nor did he want to see someone who hated him.

With a sigh, he pressed call.


	24. The end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So.  
> This is it.  
> The end.

“Alex?” Eliza said, walking into his room.

“Hi.” He said listlessly. “You know, you guys don’t  have to keep visiting.”

“I know. But we’re going to, so deal with it.” She sat down on the side of his bed. “Alex, how exactly do you feel about Thomas?” He shrugged.

“I’ve already told you all this.”

“Just say it anyways.” She insisted.

“Fuck, Eliza. I love him. You know that. God, I...” He trailed off.

“But then why did you tell him you didn’t?”

“Because...you know why.”

“Humor me.” She said, a pleading look on her face.

“Because...he doesn’t deserve some useless fuckup who can’t even stay out of the hospital for longer than a few months. He deserves better than me. I’m gonna do this again, and I’m gonna hurt him again, just like every other time. And I can’t do that, Eliza. I can’t. I care about him too much to hurt him. He can find happiness somewhere, I’m not going to hold him back from that.” There was a strangled sob from behind the doorway, and Alex looked up from his hands, wide eyed.

“You didn’t-”

“Sorry.” She said, with a guilty smile. “But...he needed to hear it. Come in, now.” The door opened to reveal Thomas, holding a hand against his mouth.

The first thing he noticed was the tears.

The second thing was the bags under his eyes and the shaking of his hands.

They stared at each other for a few long moments, until Eliza cleared her throat.

“Well. I’m sure you two have a lot to discuss, so...I’ll leave you to it.” She quietly left the room, leaving only Thomas and Alex.

Thomas hardly realized he was walking until he was standing beside Alex’s bed.

“Alex, I...” His voice broke.

“God.” Alex said. “Fuck. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean...I didn’t think...”

“I thought you hated me.” Thomas said. “For the longest time. I thought...I thought I’d hurt you, I’d upset you. I thought maybe you’d just been pretending this whole time, and you just were too nice to tell me to get lost.”

“Jesus. Thomas, no.” Alex gulped, feeling a tear running down his cheek. “That was...the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I just wanted you to be happy. I still do.”

“You can’t expect me to be happy without you.” Thomas said angrily. “You  are what makes me happy, Alex. You’re pretty much part of my family. My moms adore you. Sally likes you. Kenzie thinks you’re the best thing since sliced bread. And I...” He swallowed hard. “I love you.” He whispered. Alex reached his arms up to pull him into a tight hug, both clinging as tight as they could.

“Can I kiss you?” Alex asked.

“Please.” 

He brought his lips to Thomas’s gently, carefully. 

And this time, when they broke apart, they shared a mutual smile. And Alex started laughing.

“I love you.” He giggled. “I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you!” He cried. “God, you have no idea how  long I’ve wanted to say that.” He paused. “And...and you love me?”

“Forever.” Thomas confirmed. 

“Even if I’m drowning in problems?’

“Darling, if you’re drowning, I’ll jump in after you.” Thomas replied. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who's read this! I'm honestly kinda relieved it's finished? Like it's been taking up SO MUCH of my time. I hope you enjoyed!!!


	25. Sequel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow

Oh my god you guys. I literally never dreamed this fix would become so popular honestly? This is the most people i've ever had read one of my fics and it's honestly just so great, I've gotten so much support. So I've decided to write a sequel!! It should be up within the hour. Hopefully it'll be as well received as this! I'm calling it 'Crushed' and I'm so excited honestly. Thank you all so so much for your comments , they make my day!


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